06/27/2007 03:35 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Paint Me a Pretty Prisoner

As if 45 minutes of cardio in 90 degree weather wasn't punishment enough for the copious amounts of booze I consumed this past weekend, I decided to watch Inside Edition while on the Crosstrainer.

The gym is the only place I indulge in trashy TV or magazines, not because I necessarily care about how Janet Jackson lost 50 lbs, then gained 50 lbs, then lost 50lbs, then gained 50 lbs, but because anger is fuel and tabloids make me so mad that I end up working out faster, harder, longer. Perhaps when I become famous I can share this as my "celebrity stay in shape diet secret."

The main topic on yesterday's Inside Edition? None other than Paris Hilton's release from jail. In case you hadn't heard by now Paris Hilton went to jail and this is of far greater media importance than hunger, poverty, AIDs, cancer, war, bigotry, domestic abuse, child abuse, elder abuse, global warming, human trafficking, inflation, racism, gang violence, and so on and so forth.

But rather than simply focus on the trite tale of Paris' jail release, Inside Edition went deep providing viewers with something of substance and heart: they discussed Paris' makeup regime in jail.

Sandwiched between a segment on the tragic murder of Jesse Davis and a segment on the tragic suicide murder of Chris Benoit was an in-depth investigation in jail cell cosmetology. Apparently the latest trend amongst stylish jailbirds is to substitute everyday household products as makeup. Using coffee, teabags and Cheetos, a makeup artist gave a model that oh-so-chic incarcerated look.

"Oh, wow, look at that gorgeous pink!" exclaimed the makeup artist as she applied Kool-Aid and water to highlight the models lips.

"So, does this explain Paris's put together appearance just moments after being released from jail?" asked the reporter's voice-over.

Then they cut to a quick interview with sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore who said, "Any inmate can use the restroom before they are released to apply makeup or change clothes."

Let me get this straight, you just wasted six minutes of my life singing and dancing about how coffee grinds make a great eyeliner and then you tell us that Paris had access to makeup before her release? So, basically, Paris didn't use garbage and junk food to give her that post-prison glow? So, why the big 'expose'?

Perhaps the real question is, why did I expect anything more? All those trashy "news" shows are notorious for crapping out stories that have nothing to do with anything. (Must I list the number of times Entertainment Tonight has forced poor lil' Vanessa Manillo into a fat/ugly disguise to "uncover" how mean people are to annoying costumed reporters?) I mean is the main concern of a prisoner really eye shadow shades? How about doing a story about the number of women incarcerated for murdering their abusive husbands or the number of prisoners falsely incarnated every year?

The segment ended with some cutesy electronica playing music and a close up on a bag of Cheetos with a voice over saying something along the lines of "Now that Paris is out of the slammer, does this mean she'll continue to color her cheeks with Cheetos?"

I may not know the answer to this vital question but I am certain that once such earth-shattering information is uncovered, Inside Edition will be the first to report.

And on that note, I'm off to the gym. I think Hard Copy starts in like 10 minutes.