09/11/2008 09:40 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

How Barack's Brother Can Save the Country

My belief (and I am right) is that the GOP is trying to lose this Election. Fortunately it is no working.

They're sharp enough to see that the next Commander-in-Chief will inherit inflation, a housing crisis and an intractable war. Republicans may have been dumb enough to cause all of this, but they're not dumb enough to stick around to see how it ends. So they're trying to punt.

In the chess match of partisan politics, they are sacrificing a pawn. They want Obama to win the election so he can take the fall for what will be the worst four years in U.S. economic history. Republicans will then stroll back into The White House once things improve. And they will stay for a while; remember that after Jimmy Carter lost in 1980 the Republicans were unchallenged in the White House for 12 solid years.

This is why the GOP is shrewdly running the oldest candidate in history paired with a Pentecostal Eskimo who has more dirty laundry than a Thai Bathhouse after Fleet Week. (And she isn't hot by the way; winning 'runner up' for Miss Alaska just means you shaved that morning and you have a normal sized head).

The GOP is also hoping that America will refuse to vote for someone with a retarded child. If that were true, how did Bush Senior get elected?

The only way the Democrats can win (and by win I mean LOSE) the Election is to take it one step farther. Cash an Alec Baldwin contribution check and fly a jet to Kenya. First, find Barack's half-brother George, who lives in a shack and make about nine cents a decade. Then bring him to The States to campaign for his brother. Once America sees Clicky Obama spearing his lunch out of a tank at The New England Aquarium, our worries will be over. Billy Carter can pee on an airport tarmac, but I don't think we're ready to see the giggling First Brother on YouTube dry humping a vibrating chair at The Sharper Image.

So get out and vote Republican this November. They deserve it.