01/13/2006 02:23 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011


"Two generations of Americans have forgotten that it's normal to be at peace and abnormal to keep a huge standing army at the ready. The main reason for this is economic. War has always been good business."
-Deepak chopra, the huffington Post.

Instead of spending our hard-earned cash on defense systems that do nothing more, really, than protect our country, perhaps we should go to Deepak's website, and spend it on:

a 4-day Perfect Health 2006 getaway!
6-month earlybird $780
60-day earlybird $860
4-Day Standard Registration $1020

Companions save 25%!

-The 7-day Perfect Health with Panchakarma 
Includes a 2-day weekend rejuvenation therapy $3915

-Soul of Healing with Deepak & David!  
Program Enrollment $1775
Six-months advance enrollment $1475
60-day early-bird Registration $1675

Can't afford that? Don't worry: There's something for everyone at the Deepak gift shop - including you cheap bastards with mouths to feed who can't afford to be healed personally by the man himself.

The Soul of Healing DVD
AS SEEN ON PBS! PROBABLY TWICE!!! Here, Dr. Chopra offers demonstations to help you "take control of your health and healing needs". Price: $29.95. Watch it while you wear a Nava Pashmina Shawl, made from 70% pashmina (cashmere) wool and 30% silk. "Perfect for a chilly night or a warm meditation" as you weep quietly into your empty wallet. Small $56.00  Large $72.00 You'll want to be healthy in your cute little shawl, so be sure to stock up Chopra's own line of nutritional supplements. They've never been tested on animals (or people either, probably)
So why not start with:
-Biochavan's. This is the Chopra's "special rendition of an ancient ayurvedic jam" known as Chavanprash! "Scientific research has shown amalaki to have measurable health enhancing properties, including the detoxification of carcinogens, protection of DNA, lowering of cholesterol levels and relief of heartburn." (Deepak, it's Greg: when you get the chance, please post this 'scientific research' on the huffpo!!) 1.1 lb jar $34.95. OR TRY: Women's Daily Vitality, which "contains a potent blend of Ayurvedic rejuvenating herbs called Rasayanas - Shatavari, Amalaki, and Ashwagandha - traditionally used for their nutritive and anti-aging properties." By "traditionally," he probably means "rarely." But I could be mistaken (this statement added to avoid the wrath of Deepak's well-paid lawyers).

Still can't get rid of that cyst? Screw the doctor, and pick up:

The Magic of Healing Music 2 CD set
Here Dr. Chopra gives "contemporary expression to the ancient principles of healing sounds." Sit back, relax, and calm your Vata, soothe your Pitta, and invigorate your Kapha. Start now, because you'll need the energy to pay off all this crap! (If feeling the peace means getting a night job - then it's worth the effort).
Price:  $24.98

Still not broke? Then for 64 bucks, get an Amethyst Bracelet, which "Helps soothe the Pitta Dosha."
According to Deepster, "Since Pitta represents the energy of fire, we've chosen amethyst, a cooling stone--which represents spirituality--and pearls, which are calming to the mind and soothing for the emotions."

They're also probably really cheap to buy in bulk! And mark up in price on a website!

Finally....are you exhausted? Lonely? Sad?
What you need is some "Relaxing Massage Oil to Balance Vata."

Priced, at  $64.00, use it sparingly.

Who knows, you may end up having it for dinner.

Have a great weekend!