THE BLOG
08/29/2005 09:49 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

NOT A FEATURED POST! EVER!

THE PRICE OF PEACE: $1,095! (per head)

"Many of the same liberals and moderates who excoriate Bush have not lifted a finger to form a peace movement."
--Deepak Chopra

Deepak, however, has "lifted" far more than a finger for peace, as Scott and I soon found out when we decided to join up with the man himself!

With a deep desire to "create a more peaceful and just world," and maybe meet some swingers, we scampered to Deepak’s website to join one of Deepak’s Peace Cells, held at his very own Human Forum of Puerto Rico (Dec 8 to 11). There we would learn about "the power of oneness" and connect "the seeds of a new humanity." More important, if we register early, we would be guaranteed participation in a "private sunrise group meditation," led by THE HUNKY Deepak himself (probably in a sexy V-neck caftan with a floral design)!

At $1095.00 per person.
I will probably have to buy a complete outfit for this! Something stretchy, that traps odors THAT I COULD ALSO WEAR at Deepak's Renewal Weekend at the La Costa Resort Spa! The weekend "bliss" package costs 475 dollars and takes place on Sept 9 to 11. Included: "preferred reserved seating" for Fridays' lecture by Deepak. If I go, I’m definitely bringing my homemade Deepak peace frock (made from torn, shellacked pages of his book, Creating Affluence, in which Deepak Chopra presents a plan for creating affluence and fulfillment on all levels of our lives! It cost me 20 bucks – proof it worked for Deepak!)

I can't think of a more blissful way to spend my Sept 11th, but Scott’s really enamored by Deepak's other retreat, the Seduction of the Spirit. I told him it has nothing to do with BANGING THE DEAD, but I could be wrong - either way - "you will never be the same," reads Chopra's website. We can go to either Emerald Point Resort in Georgia, or the Arizona Biltmore Resort Spa. "We've chosen the venues," says Deep's peeps, "because of their magnificent connection to nature and their ability to effortlessly let you connect to yourself." There are 30 championship golf courses in the valley, SO YOU KNOW MOST OF SCOTT’S CONNECTING WILL BE WITH THE CADDIES!

So maybe we'll golf for peace. But at $1775? That could buy Cindy Sheehan a gardening hat for every day of the year! That doesn’t seem right. But if we book within 60 days, we qualify for the "super early bird" at $1475! Scott is a flight attendant – so we might be able to "swing" a free flight...Or.... HOW ABOUT PLANNING A HUFFPO GROUP TRIP! Bring someone, AND you get 25 percent off at time of signing! (We’d ask Cenk Uygar, but he might actually come. And bring his guitar).

But first we'll need the prerequisite courses in "primordial sound meditation," which reminds me of what I hear when Scott's PVC harness is on too tight. Hmm...We can sign up for the home study program, at 1,695 bucks, or get an instructor for only $895!

WHEW - I'M GOING BROKE FOR PEACE! Scott says Deepak is making more of a killing off Iraq than Halliburton, whoever that guy is!

But look: the Ayurvedic veggie meals are only fifteen bucks per day - and they're actually designed by Deepak! “He probably uses Swiss Cheese because it’s ‘hole-istic!’” says Scott, who is now giving me a migraine. What i really need, in this journey, is healing.

If only there was a journey... into healing. Oh wait...

Journey Into Healing! - the FINAL accredited workshop! I'll have to borrow some cash (standard tuition is $1,475, but if you sign up within 60 days it drops to $1,175! bonus: it's in La Costa, California! Scott says there’s a great Bennigan’s there - the apps are totally off the hook and the bartenders are half-Australian!). If I do this, I am one step closer to becoming a "certified Chopra Center instructor!" which means I can heal Irritable Bowel Syndrome! Technically, I am a pain in the ass – physician, heal thyself!!!

SO WE'RE OFF TO PUERTO RICO TO SEE DEEPAK!
Because peace comes at a price, and no one knows that better than the leader of the modern peace movement himself, Deepak Chopra! Jeez! I hope he'll talk more about good and evil, and how you can't tell them apart! I love it when he makes peaceful sense of genocide - Like the way he wrote that the Holocaust happened not simply because Hitler was, like, evil - but because, like the present day, "all countries on both sides of the terror divide are enmeshed in the same conflicted mind set. The inability to accept and respect dissimilar views of the world is present. "

It's true - we really do hate it when people get gassed. But whether you gas people, or stop people from being gassed - it's all the same! We’re all just gases anyway. We really need to get out of the US vs Them mindset, people. Well, unless you're the U.S. Then "the blame for whatever follows will fall on America's head."

Man, he MUST take his peace train to the Sudan! I bet the randy thugs would really get into his sessions on "synchrodestiny," which might explore the "unfathomable mysteries of karma." Deepak could hold the session in a hot tub. Surrounded by carrots and potatoes. Or are those the floating entrails of African Inland Church members provided by friendly Muslim slave traders? Either way, it's all good people!

Or we could just bag the whole thing and do the Walt Disney World 7-Night Land & Sea Vacation, which drops anchor in three exotic ports along the Mexican Riviera. The snag: Scott has "problems" with the Mexican Riveria. Or rather, the Mexican Riviera has "problems" with Scott (they call them "Cabana crabs")