It's no secret President Obama is a sports-minded individual; video of him playing golf and basketball are ample proof. Heck, he even fills out his March Madness brackets live on ESPN, giving FOX News another chance to ridicule him should one of his Final Four picks go out in the first round. Our nation's chief executive is so into sports, it wouldn't surprise me if he spends late nights in the White House bunker updating his fantasy football stats.
"Dang, I knew I should have drafted Andrew Luck before Pelosi swooped in. Now I'm stuck with Cutler."
Recently, Obama pushed for passage of the Personal Data Notification and Protection Act, requiring companies to inform consumers within 30 days if their online data has been hacked. Americans are such an impatient bunch after all; we want to know ASAP that Russian mobsters are purchasing vodka with our Target credit cards.
The media is calling the proposal a "30-day shot clock," comparing it to the 24-second timer that keeps pro basketball contests interesting, even when LeBron James is on the bench. Solving our nation's ills by borrowing from sports rule books, while interjecting sports vernacular into his explanations, is an excellent tactic as Obama prepares for his seventh State of the Union address. If anything, it might get the average American interested in our nation's affairs again, considering more people watched last year's Super Bowl (111 million) than voted in the 2014 mid-term election (81 million).
So from the moment the president enters the House chambers on January 20, he needs to talk tough, he needs to talk frank and he needs to talk sports.
"Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans... I heard you in 2014. Clearly you didn't think I had my best stuff, which is why tonight this audience contains so many, um, 'relief pitchers.' However, rest assured that this nation's new lineup card will in no way cause me to run out the clock on my presidency despite the fact that my administration is down to the two-minute warning. So I come to you tonight with a game plan for the coming season."
"First, let's review my stats from last year. When I had to, I took it to the hole. When Congress tried to block my immigration reform measures, I said, 'Not in my house, baby.' To all undocumented workers, I went yard for you and I'll continue swinging for the fences in the coming year."
"On the matter of terrorism, I renew my pledge not to send ground troops into Iraq or Syria to battle ISIS. Beginning today, I have placed a franchise tag on every armed services member. For a period of one year, perhaps longer, they will not be subject to free agent missions despite what hawkish Republicans feel."
"Let's talk about the Affordable Care Act. I realize my health coverage plan is still 'under official review.' Congressional opponents, feel free to throw the challenge flag but good luck reversing my decision. Sure, it worked for the Packers against Dez Bryant and the Cowboys but until you show me irrefutable proof that I made the wrong call, my plan stands."
"I am also renewing my pledge to veto the Keystone XL bill. If ever a bill deserves a mulligan, this is it. And as long as we are talking about John Boehner's golf game, I reserve my right to invoke the 'slow play' rule against Congress by issuing executive orders. As President, I enjoy that one-man advantage. You may call it illegal; I call it 'pulling the goalie.'"
"In closing, we have some rebuilding to do but I feel this country is poised to make a championship run if we just play our games. God bless the United States of America."
"Now let's all do the wave."
(c) 2015 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC