10/25/2012 10:06 am ET Updated Dec 25, 2012

Prayers for the Campaign Trail

Psalm For Frontrunners

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He lineth my pockets with cash:
He leadeth my campaign bus into swing states for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Your billionaires and opposition researchers, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
They lag in the polls; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the White House pretty soon.

Prayer For After Meals

Dear Lord,
Protect me from these small town diners,
And forgive the proprietors, who know not what they serve.
Bless my stomach with the strength of your prophets,
Who endured strife and suffering
Far beyond what I have known.
For I have been forty days without a vegetable,
And have endured plague-like portions of peach pie and grits,
And putting on weight at this point could become a serious liability.

Prayer For After Debates

Lord, forgive me for the false utterances of my tongue tonight,
And fill with understanding the broad swaths of citizenry
Whom I have tonight offended.
Bestow on me the wisdom of your only son,
Who gave hope to the hopeless with his simple parables.
Though, in my defense, your son lived in a simpler world
Before NATO, before 9/11,
And before our present system of governments beholden to multinational corporations and oil interests.
Not for a second to take anything away from Him, O Lord. Just saying.