08/30/2012 06:03 pm ET Updated Oct 30, 2012

Humanize Me! Mitt Romney's Top-Secret Plan to Connect During His Convention Speech

To ensure that he connects with audiences on a human level during his prime-time convention speech, Mitt Romney has commissioned a special task force to make sure that viewers see a side of Romney they've never seen before.

As Romney approaches the lectern to the sound of deafening applause, the convention's sound system will blast "God Bless America," in an attempt to rouse the candidate's spirits.

After Romney has settled behind the lectern, he will be shot with a riot-control water cannon. A trusted aide has been instructed to keep the water flowing even as Romney scrambles to escape from the powerful rush. This will show that the candidate, who has a reputation for stiffness, has an appreciation for physical comedy and doesn't mind being poked fun at.

After a time, Paul Ryan will emerge and offer Romney a towel, but just as the candidate reaches out to accept it, Paul Ryan will yank the towel away. Republican strategists hope this gesture will humanize a candidate whose privilege implies a lifelong ability to get a towel when he wants one.

Finally, Ryan will allow Romney to take the towel. While Romney dries off, Ryan will tell the untrue story of how President Obama closed down a water cannon factory in Ryan's hometown.

If this story fails to elicit emotion from Romney, a trusted aide will approach the lectern holding an adorable puppy.

If Romney does not take the opportunity to engage in baby talk with the puppy, the aide will place both hands around the puppy's neck -- a chance for Romney to demonstrate how he would respond in a time of a crisis.

If Romney fails to come to the puppy's rescue, a trusted aide will approach the lectern carrying a framed photograph of Romney's grandfather.

If the candidate is unresponsive, a trusted aide will approach the lectern carrying famed movie composer John Williams.

If Romney's cheeks remain unstained by tears, another aide will wheel out a stove and place Romney's hand in a pot of water, and then bring the water to a rolling boil.

If Romney is able to withstand the pain, a medical doctor will slowly approach the lectern and, after asking Romney to sit down, inform him that he has a rare and incurable disease.

If even this fails to elicit a response from Romney, a black car will emerge on the horizon and slowly wind its way to the lectern. After a tense moment, a World War II-era Army messenger will step out from the car and inform Romney that a cure has just been found -- a slam-dunk opportunity for Romney to simultaneously express relief and praise the values and sacrifices of a previous generation.

If, somehow, all of these methods fail, and Romney reaches the end of his speech without betraying a single human quality, Ann Romney will approach the lectern on horseback and inform the candidate that he is the father of a long-lost offshore son, Bratt.