04/18/2010 03:07 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Breaking Down "Breaking Bad"

Thanks to Netflix and what economists are calling the jobless recovery, I've almost caught up with AMC's "Breaking Bad." If you haven't seen this show, it's got the same plot as Showtime's "Weeds," except that instead of Mary Louise Parker selling cheeba-cheeba, it's the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" cooking crystal meth in a beat-up Winnebago. Bryan Cranston plays a high school chemistry teacher who decides that making drugs is the best way to build a nest egg for his family. Since no one in town can figure out that he's the mastermind, I thought I'd offer a list of ways to tell if your home room teacher is actually a drug lord.

• Instead of giving A's and B's, rates homework from Primo to Schwag.

• Takes the class on a field trip to Bogota

• Snoop Dogg uses his name as a rhyme in his latest single

• Stages a drive-by in the faculty break room.

• His favorite science experiments consist of swallowing a condom filled with cocaine

• Keeps a pet lion in the school bathroom.

• Tags his desk with gang markings

• When he passes out a test he says, "Say Hello to My Little Friend

• Replaces the school fight song with "The Chronic"