04/10/2013 05:46 pm ET Updated Jun 10, 2013

Bates Motel Episode 4: Don't Tell Mom the Guy She Killed Is Dead

Yesterday was Monday, and another day = another squalor in the lives of the Family Bates. When last we saw them, Norman had just stumbled upon Deputy Shelby's psychotically creepy sex dungeon -- or did he? Cliffhanger! Our favorite future psycho took a turn for the worst last week, and now we can't really tell when he's hallucinating or not. One thing's for sure, and that is that whatever he thinks he saw, he can't lie about it for long -- because as it turns out Dylan followed him to the Deputy's house and saved his ass at the last-minute when good ol' DS came barreling back home in his pickup truck of terrors.

Dylan confronts Norman. "What exactly is going on here, man?!" Norman's a lying liar. He lies about being in the house and Dylan calls him out, so at first he lies about what he saw. "Just an illicit sex prison where he keeps the Asian girl from my porn drawing collection chained to a beanbag." "Really?" says Dylan. Norman: "No, it was nothing." K...

Dylan doesn't do very much with this news because I'm pretty sure he was born with an oversized hacky-sack inside his head where a brain would normally be. But he and Norman seem to be oddly bonding, Elsewhere, Emma's sick with the flu, because, of course she is. Norman comes by to see her and finally meets her dad, who's keen to spill all the beans about his 16-year-old daughter's blossoming love for a one Norman Bates. Great. Now the secret that she's kept oh so well is out. No, we hadn't been picking up on her extremely obvious hints all season thus far. Thank you, Mr. Emma's dad, for clarifying that talking point, and also for embarrassing your terminally ill teen daughter horribly.

In Norma news, she's still hopping in the sack with Deputy Mc-Possibly-Insane in order to keep him mum about murdering Fat Rapist Keith. They have weird, aggressive sex, which is made weirder by the fact that the Deputy is about 28-years-old and looks oddly like Dylan. Whatever. This is the Bates family; emotional incest is about as newsworthy as oatmeal. Norma even calls him pretty (note to all: If I ever find myself calling the police officer I just slept with "pretty," any witnesses may waterboard me until I die or repent, whichever's first.)

Afterwards Dylan's got to rain on her parade by pointing out that she's a horrible demon prostitute shacking up with a total weirdo -- once again. When it comes to dealing with his mom, I grow weary of Dylan. He's at best a Negative Nancy, and at worst a pathologically misogynistic criminal. Sometimes I wish he'd just retreat back into whatever musty asbestos-ridden highway motel closet he popped out of, and all the other Bateses could continue on with their terrible shams of lives. Things would still be mega-crappy, but at least they wouldn't have to put up with a deadbeat life-size Ken doll and his smelly leather jacket on top of everything else.

Back at the Bates ranch, Norman spies Bradley "Bus Stop Girl" visiting her father's grave. She looks real rough. He takes pity on her and envelopes her in an embrace, the type of warm and vaguely moist embrace that only a future serial killer can provide. "There, there," he says. "I may be just a crazy dingbat who sees visions of sex victims. I know I don't have much to offer than a goofy sweater collection or my mother's weird hotel that looks like it smells like stale milk and old people. But I'm a good guy and I'll hug you even when you make fashion mistakes like those sunglasses you've got on." And it was so.

Norman also sees Deputy Shelby and gets spooked, so naturally he runs home and confesses everything to his mom -- breaking into the house, the basement sex dungeon, the chained up Asian girl. Norma kind of thinks he's crazy but she also can't be too sure, plus he's even got a wound on his leg from the sex slave. So later that night she pops by Shelby's and, in the dark of night, sneaks down to check things out. Obviously she finds nothing except for garden-variety basement stuff. Norman's hallucination? Or really good cover-up on Shelby's part? You decide.

As punishment for lying/hallucinating, Norma makes Norman go on a fishing trip with the Deputy. Yep, nothing like forcing two men with nothing in common, who hate each other, into a small boat for a few hours! Hilariously enough, the trip's cut short with a severed hand is found in a fish net. NBD, just another normal day in a town where the entire economy rests on a marijuana farm the size of a football field.

Norma freaks out because carpet fibers are found in Keith's chopped-off hand, and they gotta git that carpet before the police do. She and Norman canvass the dump to get rid of it, which does not work out the way she plans, so she proceeds to throw a tantrum like a mentally ill toddler. She knows it's all over for her so she goes home and cries herself to sleep, also like a small child. Well Norma, maybe if you didn't dump the body in the local duck pond, this would not have happened. At any rate, things are really starting to feel down in Batesville. Until later that night, when Bradley texts Norman: "I am alone and totally emotionally compromised." To which Dylan, Norman's new BFF/life coach, says: "She wants it. Go over there!" Which he does, and they get it on. Good for you, Norman. Good for you. Meanwhile, Norma gets arrested for her poorly-covered up murder. Bad for you, Norma. Bad for you.

So to recap: there was lots of confused sex, some decaying murdered limbs, weird brotherly bonding, and lots of teen angst. Yet I really still just want to know what's going on in Deputy Shelby's basement. I'm going to assume this was just a tangential episode and we're going to find out what's really going on during next week's episode of Bates Motel: When Crazy Mothers Attack.