04/30/2014 04:13 pm ET Updated Jun 30, 2014

Boiling It Down: This Essay Is Awesome

I like language. I am pretty fluent in English, so I dare to make some comments about my native tongue. My comments are in writing, as you can see. My tongue helps me in talking. I will commence to write about speaking, which is the source of the following confusion.

The word "awesome" is currently in vogue. Last night's dinner was "awesome." Your new Chevy Volt is "awesome." The intense coverage given by the media to the congressional gridlock is "awesome."

On the other hand, my wife is beautiful. The fact that we live in a democratic society is wonderful. If you are a religious person, you can be described as being faithful. Life is full of beauty, wonder and faith.

Therefore it strikes me as strange, if not weird, that if something is so profound that it inspires awe -- then shouldn't it be full of awe? Is anything beautisome? Wondersome? Faithsome? Therefore, last night's dinner was in fact awful, as was the electric car and the media coverage.

Then consider the way we care. If we are full of care, then we are careful. If we have no cares, we are carefree. But if there are no cares needing our concern, aren't we then careless?

Another source of concern is the usage of plurals in certain contexts. For example, it's raining cats and dogs. Couldn't it rain one cat or one dog? Or just dogs? Think of a brief sun shower! If it really rained animals, I wouldn't advise going out-of-doors.

Then there is concept that some people are engaged in performing various kinds of shenanigans, i.e., mischief. Can you perform a single shenanigan? I'm sure you can, but the language is always plural.

Another problem I have relates to how we apply genders to certain concepts. I'm sure that you are aware of Mother Nature and Father Time. In politics, there is the Favorite Son. Of course, you know the Father of Our Country. Do these family members have relatives? I recall seeing Grandfather Clocks, but I never heard of the Mother of Our Country. Is it Oprah? Then you have Uncle Sam: Who is his wife? Aunt Jemimah? Is their son favored? What if they have more than one son? Is sibling rivalry something to be promoted? I don't believe that God wants us to create dissension: She holds our lives in Her Hands.

Isn't that awesome?