08/14/2014 02:48 pm ET Updated Oct 14, 2014

Open Letter to the People of Boston: On Behalf of Yankee Fans Everywhere, You're Welcome

Dear Madams and Sirs, and ex-mortal enemies...

Relax. Lay down your arms. As a Yankee fan, I come in peace.

In fact, I offer my sincerest congratulations, because even though your 2014 Red Sox team fell apart, you now can live each day for that one golden moment of pure tobacco pleasure:

The Yankee box score.

Why watch Big Papi's continuing erosion, or Dustin Pedroia's latest snapped chicken bone, when you can monitor the Yankees' collapse -- a tumble made even more satisfying in the knowledge that New York won't even bother to retool for next year. Nope, come winter, the Yankee front office -- the same Yankee front office -- will just go about its usual business, applying the same Yankee front office strategy: Sign old players at astronomical prices to long-term deals, rewarding them for their past volunteer work in smaller markets.

(Side note: Before Major League Baseball completes its long-planned corporate transition into the NFL -- celebrating parity for all, and the KC Royals taking on equality with the Yankees, Dodgers, Red Sox, etc. - I hope the owners and players at least take a moment to thank the Steinbrenner family for its gracious service to the game: It's the Yankees who pay people for what they did three and four years ago at charity wages. A player could always know that, after hanging up his cleats in Arizona, he would come to New York and be compensated for his past pro bono work.)

This year, thanks to Commissioner Bud Selig, Boston fans will receive a Yankee bonus: Derek Jeter's final at-bats will not take place in New York but -- of course! -- in Fenway Park, where the Yankees play their final series. Unless he sits it out -- and we all know that's not Jeter's style -- that final Jeterian pageant of respect and admiration will happen in Boston... a brand new form of Yankee fan indignity. Start scalping your tickets now. It's free money, like fracking!

Also, as an extra bonus to you die-hard Red Sox fans, check this out: MLB's official list of 2015 free agents.

Close your eyes, Bostonians, and chose from the list three future big name Yankee flops. Add 10 pounds, give them five-year deals, and shoe-horn them into pinstripes. Isn't that fun? You can picture Tori Hunter next year patrolling RF in Yankee Stadium. And look! There's Hanley Ramirez, age 32, holding down SS with the range of a George Steinbrenner statue. No... maybe it will be Troy Tulowitski -- but only after we've gutted the farm system to get him, and by then, he'll be playing with an artificial hip. Hey, Kevin Youkilis could be back from Japan! He'll have something to prove. Seriously, it's not that hard to imagine... It's something to live for in off-years, am I right?

Yes, Boston, there is a Santa Claus. He's clean-shaven... because that's the Yankee way. But we will always be there in your times of need. Remember the old days, the Curse of the Bambino? Today, it's the Curse of the Beltran... or better yet... the Curse of Yankee Hubris.

You're welcome.