03/28/2012 11:03 am ET Updated May 27, 2012

Dr. Republicans for the Sure Cure

Republican Medical Assistance Program
Guidelines, Rules and Regulations

Are you pregnant? Feeling sick? Have a fever? Itching from a rash? Swelling of various body parts? The Republican Party wants to be your doctor. This is the place to get your state-ordered Gardasil shots and mandated pre-abortion ultrasounds.

For all appointments, emergencies and after hours, your Republican doctors (aka your GOP governors, congressmen, congresswomen and senators) are always on call. Click below on the link for all their contact numbers.

Call ASAP as we have been inundated with appointments as we are closing all Planned Parenthood offices, and most independent and Democratic private practice physicians have either quit or have been incarcerated as they refused to lie to their patients and follow our script informing patients that an abortion would cause breast cancer.

When you go to your appointment, please bring with you: photo ID, birth certificate, second proof of citizenship, blood type, stool sample, if you are an employer of illegal aliens, proof of any pre-existing medical conditions, if you don't have insurance, validation that you are able to pay for all ultrasounds that are ordered, do you have any allergies (to Democrats)?, documentation as to why you are taking birth control, and proof of any relationship to or knowledge of any terrorists, and definitive proof that you are a heterosexual.

1. We will only see patients that speak English -- no interpreters, no exceptions.

2. We only accept American currency (cash) for payment -- no credit cards, checks or money orders.

3. We do not accept Medicare, Medicaid or any other state insurance as we have already eliminated them.

4. ALL patients are required to sign a pledge of allegiance to America and to the Republican Party.

5. If you have a yeast infection or any other foul-smelling vaginal discharge, please do NOT make an appointment; just take over-the-counter meds as that is still available without insurance and hope for the best.

6. If you need birth control pills, take an aspirin and hold between your legs.

7. We will only see people that are rich and/or can afford medical care or those with private, exorbitantly expensive insurance.

8. If medication is needed, make sure you bring a shitload of cash.

9. If you cannot afford to see your new Republican doctor, we will pray for you in church and in schools, as we have had that reinstated.

10. We will lie to you and tell you that an abortion will cause breast cancer.

11. We will withhold information from you that might cause you to seek an abortion.

12. You cannot sue your doctor for malpractice should you or your child have health issues after not having an abortion.

13. We definitely do not believe in the Hippocratic oath.

Patients will be seen in the following order:

1. Obscenely wealthy patients will always been seen first.

2. Right-wing conservatives next.

3. Tea party patients will probably make your wait time longer as they will question everything.

4. Welfare recipients, the elderly, the poor and the unemployed will have an extremely long wait.

5. Democrats will never be seen.