Friday is a sight for sore eyes when you've had a terrible week at work.
You know what I mean. A frustrating, complicated, endless bang-the-head-on-the-wall kind of week. Ever experience one of those?
Have you ever felt like clapping your palm to your forehead, silently screaming à la John McEnroe, "are you serious??" Further, have you ever wanted to throw a tennis racquet?
Anyone who has spent time in an office has a war story or two or 20 to tell. Let's just say that human behavior in the workplace can be a source of bemusement, if not consternation.
Let's also just say that if you have fantasized about wildly unlikely forms of revenge (think Game of Thrones) you are not alone.
Do you know someone who has the potential to be the Most Annoying Person at work? Perhaps this how-to guide in 10 easy steps will ring true.
1. Take credit for someone else's idea.
Because, really, didn't you think of it first? You might not have mentioned it EVER nor emailed it to anyone, but you were thinking about it. That counts, right?
2. Write a nasty email to a colleague criticizing his or her work, and copy everyone on it.
Be sure to include your boss, the colleague's boss, the CFO, Sheila in Accounting, the pizza delivery guy, Mike in the Mail Room and anyone else who comes to mind. Show them how you take control of a situation by circulating a conversation that should have stayed private.
3. Look the other way when someone else gets blamed about something for which you were responsible.
Best plan is to stare at the floor or become very interested in your cuticles when the issue is discussed in a staff meeting. Pretend you are getting an important call on your cell and leave the room. Don't be intimidated by the other person's questioning look and slack jaw. They'll get over it.
4. Complain to the boss about a colleague's infraction but never tell that person directly.
What's the point, right? Your colleague will certainly be able to figure out that you are unhappy about something after the boss brings it up at the annual review.
5. Stand in someone's doorway and yak incessantly even though that person is obviously busy and trying to ignore you.
Your recap of how drunk you got Saturday night, your complaints about other employees and stories about your previous employer are so fascinating that surely your colleague will risk missing a deadline to listen to you yammer away.
6. Claim you didn't get someone's voicemail message even though you didn't leave your office all day.
Because the office phones have caller ID, you can pick and choose who merits a response. Not every call needs to be answered or returned promptly, if at all. People can always call you back.
7. When on the phone, talk as loudly as possible, and don't shut the door.
Your conversations with your spouse/partner/children are of intense interest to everyone within earshot. Your co-workers enjoy hearing first-hand about every facet of your private life.
8. Allude to conversations that never took place if it makes you look good or saves your ass.
Such as, "Yeah, remember you were going to follow up with the client? We talked about that, yes, we did. You don't remember that conversation?" Roll your eyes so that your colleague knows how exasperating this is for you.
9. Consistently interrupt someone to interject your reply before the person is done speaking.
Don't let your colleague finish the thought. Why bother? Your answer is way more important. Plus, you can set him or her straight without wasting more of your valuable time.
10. Volunteer to join a committee, but let everyone else do the work.
Don't show up for committee meetings, either. Here are some usable excuses: "It wasn't on my calendar. Damn calendar system." or "I went to the wrong room. My bad!" or "You have no idea how busy I am."
What would you add to this list?