04/05/2011 03:48 pm ET Updated Jun 05, 2011

Our World Is in Dire Straits -- Time to Take a Month Off

Bloody protests are spreading across the Middle East and North Africa, nuclear radiation is seeping into the ocean, and our government might shut down because Congress cannot pass a budget. If you haven't seen the state of the world today, spoiler alert: not good. Even that sentence exhausted me. To be fair, it was a run-on.

Regardless, the point stands that our world is in dire straits. Instead of addressing these daunting challenges, can we just take a month off and forget about them? Let's pull a Mubarak, or, for that matter, a Palin, and get out of town. It would do us all some good to clear our heads for a while. For this to work, everyone needs to be on board.

Colonel Gaddafi, I'll start with you. Please take off your sunglasses when I am speaking to you. Much better, thank you. I know you love American pop stars; they perform at everything you host, so if we send you one -- let's say, Beyonce -- would you call back your forces for the month? Go treat yourself to a spa getaway, because when the going gets tough, the tough get work done. I'll throw in a Groupon for a free cut and color with any massage treatment. Honestly, please leave.

Yemen, we don't hear from you often, and when we do it's usually very, very bad news. By the end of this break can we assume you elected a democratic leader who loves the stars and stripes? Actually don't answer that. Keep mum, like Iraq, who hasn't spoken up for months. See: mission accomplished. No need to address this matter any further.

To all of the angry preachers out there, let's go ahead and not burn religious texts. Use that energy for something constructive, like burning fossil fuels.

Mother Nature, can we not have a natural disaster of epic proportions over this respite? Yes, we've treated you terribly, and I promise we'll talk about it soon, but please stay calm for the next few weeks. In the meantime, look at all of these pretty windmills!

Nuclear reactors, cool it. Literally. Lower your temperatures.

Members of Congress, you can keep fighting about the budget. Don't worry about a government shutdown; we're taking that time off anyway. But please find a way to at least keep the lights on; I don't trust any of you in the dark.

To make sure we don't get bored with all of this extra time, let's move up some of the fun things happening just around the corner. I suggest starting the 2012 Olympics next week. This will be a great opportunity to blow off some steam. Middle East, I'm looking in your direction. Does Monday work for everyone? Great, then it's settled. I don't want to hear there's not enough time; Lady Gaga is an opening ceremony in and of herself.

After the Olympics, let's go ahead with the royal wedding. There's no need to draw this thing out. They love each other, and the world needs something pretty to look at. Kate, the dress looks great. Start walking down the aisle; your prince is waiting.

Ready, set, go and deny reality. Get some R&R before entering back into this utterly terrifying state of affairs. Read Eat Pray Love again. Actually, that may not be enough manufactured optimism; read it while watching the film. After a month of disillusionment, we'll meet back here and give this whole thing another go.