Patti Stanger is what you might call a mover and a shaker. She's the Founder and CEO AKA Grand Poo-Bah of The Millionaires Club, which consists of billionaires, multi-millionaires, and just plain millionaires. I can hardly think of a show less relevant to society as a whole right now, can you? Which is part of its - ahem - charm. I'm not sure charm is the right word.
Stanger is a self-described third generation matchmaker with a 99% success rating. In the show's first segment we meet her staff. There's Destin, who used to be Patti's Executive Assistant but was promoted to COO (in his words, it's the same job but he now has a title). Destin looks kind of like Eddie Munster gone mad. There's Chelsea, the VP of Matching. She's on the bland side, certainly next to Destin and Patti.
The staff reviews tapes of guys who are hoping to join the club. One guy, David, owns his own fashion company and has a corvette. Patti rolls her eyes. "When a guy says he drives a corvette it's like saying I have a vagina, come see me." David goes on to say that his perfect first date is just relaxing, chilling out, having sex. Patti: "I'm gonna vomit." She confides in us that every man who comes in has an illness which she proceeds to diagnose and treat.
Patti's housecall to David's West Hollywood mansion confirms that, yes, he is apparently the biggest tool on the planet. A butler answers the door. David drives a screaming yellow corvette penismobile. A classic narcissist, he cannot stop talking about how great he is and how men want to be him and women want to be with him. His butler actually feeds him grapes at a snap of the fingers. But here's the kicker: in the dining room he proudly shows Patti a painting he did of the Madonna-Britney VMA mouth kiss. She's flabbergasted. He tells her that his dream girl would look like Marilyn Monroe, with the personality of Conan O'Brien.
You know, the best thing about reality TV is that we always knew there were people like this, but never before got to examine them up close. And now we can. It is to laugh.
Bachelor Number 2 is Brett, the CEO of a 20 million dollar company that manufactures an energy drink for women (which is - wait for it - pink). He travels constantly but loves his dog, Hayley. Brett seems like a nice guy, but Patti's not convinced he is serious about settling down. When she says "no sex, my girls you're gonna court," he visibly blanches.
In Segment 2, Patti and staff hold a recruiting session for willing victims to meet these two multi-platinum bozos. One girl is told she's too fat and to go lose a few pounds before they let her meet rich guys. The others are given specific instructions for a cocktail mixer starring Brett and David: sexy cocktail dresses, high heels, and lots of cleavage. Va va voom!
Out of a roomful of hot babes, surprise surprise, both guys pick the same girl as one of their choices, Katy the web designer, a California blonde who looks like the subject of a Beach Boys song. After two ten minute mini-dates, they then pick one of their two choices for a (gulp) master date. Meanwhile, David, who's pissing everyone off with his extreme narcissism, gets a one on one with a life coach at his house. She tells him to shut up and advises moving the Madonna-Britney kiss painting to his bedroom.
David ends up taking cute blonde web designer Katy to dinner at an art gallery where paintings that will be sold for charity are displayed. Before the meal he gifts her with one of his paintings, a rather lame Rockwell-esque depiction of a boy and his dog. The date goes well, amazingly enough, he seems to have taken to heart the life coach's advice about toning down the braggadocio. Meanwhile, Brett and his date Melanie go to some weird looking LA club and have a very uncomfortable conversation. Melanie, who actually has a brain, immediately susses out from Brett's conversation topics (new things; travel) that he's nowhere near ready to settle down and be monogamous.
Patti reviews the dates with each of the participants and, tsk tsk, Melanie's moving on. Brett didn't do a thing for her. Next candidate, please. Katy and David have a second date, but that ends up being their last, though they remain "friends" (possibly on Facebook). And the quest for love continues........
Next week: Patti gets sued by a client that she booted out for "breaking the rules": he moved in with a girl that she introduced him to, without first giving her an engagement ring. Of course it doesn't work out since he didn't commit. Meanwhile, the girl is now dating someone else and is pre-engaged. Mazel tov!
The Millionaire Matchmaker airs on Bravo on Thursday nights (check local listings).