06/29/2015 05:05 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Things You'll Desperately Miss About Your Pre-Baby Body

Remember your pre-baby body? The one that could pull all-nighters and sneeze without having to change out underwear? I remember it too, and I miss it immensely.

While pregnant I took every precaution known to man to try and preserve my pre-baby body. I did pelvic exercises to save my lady parts. I lathered myself up with oil every night to try and prevent stretch marks. I ate extremely healthy (well, minus the ice cream) and exercised religiously to help prevent excessive weight gain. I even wore special bras that claimed to help maintain "perkiness."

Fortunately my efforts did prevent a few catastrophes, but sadly there were other parts of my body I had to bid farewell. Since both of my boys are apparently decedents of Bigfoot, my petite body took quite a beating. My once beautiful, bragging-rights, rack is now nothing but a couple of enlarged milk bags destined for surgery. Trust me when I say, they won't even show their face in a pitch-black room until further notice.

Some body changes you'll learn to embrace, while others will just remind you of once was. Here are just a few things most moms would kill to have back from their pre-pregnancy bodies:


Boobs - After babies, sadly your boobs resemble deflated tube socks or look like they were set out in the sun for three days straight without sunscreen. It's not fair, but I'm afraid there isn't much of an in-between.

Nipples - Now referred to as giant flying saucers. If you're a breastfeeding mom, you've lost all feeling too. You get the feeling back, but the alien space crafts are here to stay. Awesome.

Bladder - Holding your bladder all day at work is no longer an option. Your bladder now controls you. Sneezing, laughing, or coughing now will require a silent prayer to the bladder control Gods, and even that isn't a guarantee you won't pee yourself.

Hair - Women with thick hair -- beware. Your thick flowing mane will come out in clumps with each shower. Then when it grows back you'll have perfectly feathered wings, and look fresh out of the 80s.

Butt - For some reason your butt may decide to melt into your legs. Don't fret though, nothing a few thousand squats at the gym won't fix. Because as a busy mom you have time for that, right?

Feet - With the rest of our bodies changing so much you'd think we could catch a break on our feet. Not so much. My feet grew a half size and never returned to their original state. Say goodbye to all your old cute heels you spent a fortune on!

Brain - Riddle me this: How can we remember a telephone number from when we were five years old, but can't remember where we put our phone or keys everyday? Having kids makes you lose your mind. Literally.

Was going through all this worth it? Yes. Would we do it all over again for our babies? Yes. These obviously go without saying, but while we're being honest here -- wouldn't it be nice if we could wear a dress without squeezing into Spanx, and do jumping jacks without peeing ourselves? I know the answer and you do, too.

Post originally featured on Mother's Guide To Sanity humor blog.