THE BLOG
08/19/2014 02:27 pm ET Updated Oct 18, 2014

Men: 3 Things the Woman You're Dating Wants You to Do

I've had men read my stuff and ask me when I was going to write something for them. This is a particular scenario I get asked about a lot, so, gentlemen, without further ado....

You're dating a girl you like, things are great, and then all of a sudden, she seems to pull away, get angry, get needy, or get demanding, right? And you're confused because things were awesome, but now she doesn't seem happy and you feel pressure and things have gotten all complicated and you don't understand why. Well, the why is actually pretty simple. What women want, believe it or not, is actually pretty simple. All of our "feelings" and what men unfairly call our "crazy" usually stem from just two things -- we want to feel safe (like we can trust you) and we want to feel special. And as complicated as we seem, it is very easy for us to feel this way.

What happens when she doesn't feel special or like she can't trust you? Either: a) she becomes the pursuer, which makes you think she's needy and pushy and way less attractive, b) she withdraws, pulls away, and shuts down, c) she starts putting pressure on you for more of a commitment, or d) she just bails. Sound familiar? The good news is if she starts acting this way it's because she likes you, so good job, you! And luckily, if you're into her, there are easy things you can do to remedy the situation and hopefully take the dating relationship back to awesome.

It boils down to this: we, as women want to feel safe; meaning, we want to feel that we can trust the guy we're seeing -- trust that he's telling us the truth, trust that he's going to be there (literally and emotionally), and trust that we are special to him. The gray area of the dating phase -- the phase when you're figuring out if you want to go forward being exclusive -- tends to be a little frustrating and confusing for women, and we want to feel safe with you in it. And, men, when a woman feels safe with you, she will open her heart and give you that amazing care, sex, and support that only a woman can give... you know what I'm talking about. (Side note: if you've been dating a woman for a while and wonder why you still haven't slept together, it may be because she doesn't trust these things about you yet.)

Many women would say that the three things listed below are givens and that men should know to do them. But, some men don't. It is one of the biggest problems between men and women; some women want men to read their minds and just know to do things. But I don't think it's fair for a woman to get upset with a man for not doing something she didn't ask him to do, regardless of how simple or small she thinks it is. However, once a woman has expressed to a man that there are certain things she'd like him to do -- then if he doesn't do them, women need to take a look at that and probably move on... but that's a different article.

So, gentlemen, these are three things the woman you're dating wants you to do:

1) Pursue her.
This means call her (not just text, although daily hello texts make us all tingly inside). Call her sometimes just to say hi and sometimes to make plans. Yes, talk on the phone... it doesn't need to be long, just a few minutes. And, yes, make plans (in advance) to see her. Ask her on dates (in advance). She likes to know she's going to see you. And she likes hearing your voice. Both of these things turn her on... which bodes very well for you.

2) Be consistent.
Even though she loves hearing compliments and nice things from you, don't just say words without consistent actions to back them up. Don't tell her amazing things like you see her as the mother of your children or the woman you'd want to spend your life with, or share all your deepest, darkest secrets and fears with her and then disappear for a few days -- whether by not contacting her or not making plans to see her. Don't flatter her with words and not follow it up with action. If you're into her, don't come on strong pursuing her and then back off suddenly, only to show up again after a few days.

I totally get that many guys mean these wonderful words in the moment, but I'd suggest if you want to avoid drama, you start taking some breaths before you make what sound like promises and plans for the future. Women take your words seriously. So, think before you speak. Think about what you're about to say -- can you follow it up and put your money where your mouth is? Will you mean it an hour from now, a day from now, a week from now? Think how it might confuse her and upset her. Because this -- inconsistency -- is the main arena in which she loses trust in you. This behavior is very confusing to us and we will most likely react accordingly.

3) In social media -- like in life -- make sure it's clear she's your favorite.
This one relates to you if you're active on social media, but should also be translated into "real-life." Like, for example, she'd really appreciate if you stopped overly flirting with other women on social media (by liking their sexy pics, putting winks or flirty comments on their walls or pics, etc.)... the real life equivalent of which would be flirting with other women in front of the woman you are dating (um... yeah, don't do that).

If you'd like to continue with that rad honeymoon phase sex and going down a happy road with a woman you're dating who you think is awesome, I'd suggest you take down the pics of you and your ex on your social media pages. It may mean nothing to you, but to the woman you're currently dating, it means you're still not over your ex and would rather be with her (even if it's not true). To the woman you're currently dating, it is a public declaration that you're not that into her... because if you were, you wouldn't still be broadcasting your past relationship. The woman you're currently dating thinks that if you were really that into her, you'd be broadcasting that. It makes her feel like second choice. Whatever is or isn't actually the truth, this is how it looks and feels to her. And in that case, she definitely doesn't feel special, nor does she trust you or feel safe.

Translation of this rule to the real world: taking down pics of you and your ex still prominently on your phone or up in your home. I'm not saying delete them or throw them away. Save them on your computer or put them in a box, but don't have them front and center. How do you think it makes her feel to get all hot and heavy with you in the bedroom, only to walk into the living room and come face to face with a pic of you and your ex? Yep, you've guessed it -- not special, not safe.

(And by the way, her being upset about the above things is not necessarily her being insecure. She's upset about these things because she likes you. Which, if you like her back, is a good thing, yes?)

The truth is though, if you can't get yourself to take the pics down in social media or real life, perhaps you're not over your ex or that relationship. It's something to look at and think about. It's not really fair to get involved with a new woman if you're not yet ready to move on.

Oh, and for the love of all things holy, if you are active on social media but haven't friended or followed her yet, do it now. Otherwise, she thinks -- no, she knows -- that you are hiding something from her. And that trust thing I was talking about that's crucial to her? Out the door, obviously.

These three things are not time-consuming, and really take very little effort. So, if you have reasons and excuses in your head why you can't, shouldn't, or won't do them, then I'd re-evaluate your desire to date the woman you're dating. Because, guys, when you are really into a woman, don't you like making her smile? Well, these are simple things that will make her smile. In doing them, I would bet a lot on the fact that you will begin to see a difference almost immediately. She will begin to trust you and feel like she's special to you, and, as a result, will be lighter, more fun, more open, more chill, less needy, and probably much more sexual (score)... I think the guy I'm dating would say I sure am.