Recently a copy of the shooting script of Oliver Stone's next film, Putin, came into our possession. Filming for the past four months in total secrecy, this movie, the logical successor to the director's explosive J.F.K, his corrosive Nixon, and his rather laconic, W., reveals for the first time the enigmatic Russian President in a startling and, hopefully, commercial way. What follows are selected excerpts from the film that will surely be this year's cinematic sensation.
INT. DACHA IN YAKIMANKA (OUTSIDE MOSCOW).
VLADIMIR PUTIN (played by Nicholas Cage) is going over a speech with Gregor (an aide played Keanu Reeves).
PUTIN: Jesus, Gregor. Who wrote this?
PUTIN: The copy is terrible. This is a very important speech.
I don't want any of our orphans adopted by Americans. Not one.
So what does this Mikhal write? 'None of our beautiful orphans will ever be adapted by a U.S. citizen.' Where did he go to school?
AIDE: It was either the film school at U.S.C or N.Y.U.
EXT. GYM IN THE KREMLIN. AFTERNOON.
PUTIN, in gym shorts and sneakers, does reps with hand weights.
A trainer, Boris (played by Billy Crystal), calls out the number of each rep.
BORIS: Twenty-seven. . .twenty-eight. . .Twenty-
PUTIN (puts the weights down): How many reps do you think Obama does?
BORIS: He's in pretty good shape. Thirty-five. Maybe forty on a good day.
PUTIN: And Angela Merkel?
BORIS: About the same.
BORIS: Six at the most. But he has a couple of women - both quite young - who can do over fifty.
INT. DOJO IN KREMLIN. LATER.
In his white uniform, PUTIN is wrestling with an instructor. ALEXI: (played by Bob Balaban).
PUTIN: I'm still not getting that move right.
ALEXI: I think you're doing it quite well.
PUTIN: Well enough to put down Depardieu?
ALEXI: That's a lot to put down. He's a big boy.
PUTIN: I have to put him on the canvas. We have a bet that unless I can do that, he'll pay no taxes. Ever. That wouldn't look good.
INT. PUTIN'S OFFICE. NEXT DAY.
PUTIN is dictating to IRINA, his executive secretary (played by Helen Mirren).
PUTIN: 'Dear Mr. Rodman: Thank you for your acceptance to join our Russian team in the Pyongyang Spring basketball tournament. I look forward-
(TAMARA, another secretary, played by Cyndi Lauper, walks into the office)
TAMARA: Mr. Karolkoff is here Mr. President. He says he's in a rush.
PUTIN: How much did he give to the campaign last election?
TAMARA: I'll have to look that up. I do know that he was the third largest donor.
PUTIN: Well, show him in.
KAROLKOFF, (played by Larry David) enters the office.
PUTIN: Mischa. So good to see you.
KAROLKOFF: Same here, Vladimir. I know you're busy, so I'll come right to the point. I don't think you've ever met him, but my son, Fyodor, is being bar mitzvahed next month.
KAROLKOFF: Thank you. You see, Fyodor is my only son and I love him dearly. So whatever he desires I want to give him. And what he wants most in the world is to have Pussy Riot sing at his bar mitzvah.
PUTIN: Well, what do you want me to do?
KAROLKOFF: Two members of the band are in jail. I'd like you to release them.
PUTIN: I don't think I can do that. But I have an idea. I can have the warden do a tv hookup from the jail. Then the two can perform together with the other two.
KAROLKOFF: That would be terrific.
PUTIN: There is one small problem. I remember from their trial that their recording contract forbids them to sing as Pussy Riot unless they all are on the same stage. But I have another idea. For your son's bar mitzvah they'll perform as Pussy Rompus.
The two hug and KAROLKOFF leaves.
PUTIN: (To both secretaries) Do you think Obama could have done that?