08/27/2013 10:51 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

'The Dahk Knight': Recasting Batman with Beantown's Finest


Since the news broke on Thursday that Ben Affleck is the newest Batman, the web has been a veritable guano storm of Batfleck backlash -- so much so that dissing the casting is already cliché.

Why not look on the bright side? If the new Batman has one thing going for him, it's Ben Affleck's Boston roots. Think about it. What could possibly be more powerful than a superhero weaned on Legal Seafood clam chowder and Dunkin' Donuts dark roast?

With driving skills honed on the mean streets of Boston, we already know for a fact that our superhero can handle the Batmobile, "no prawb-lum chief." Just wait until you see the scene where he flips an illegal U-turn on Commonwealth Ave while screaming "Yankees suck!" at random passersby and stops short just in time to make way for a few baby ducklings crossing the street. There's no doubt about it. The Bostonian Batman is straight up "hawd coo-ah."

We've decided that not only are we embracing the idea of Affleck as Batman, we're taking it a step further and recasting the entire franchise with proud Boston born celebrities in every role. Cheers!

Alfred Pennyworth -- Louis CK

Get ready for Alfred the Butler to have a whole new life philosophy now that Louis CK is in the role. Dejected, put upon, and terrible with tools, this Alfred frequently forgets to prepare afternoon tea, but he'll totally hate himself for it and make it up to Batfleck by offering him a bite of the greasy pizza slice he's been eating while staring at himself in the bathroom mirror and calling himself "fat." -- Liz Brown

Robin -- Mark Wahlberg

For our young Master Grayson, we chose a Bostonian who's not afraid to play a renowned Dick: Mark Wahlberg. No stranger to wearing underwear as outer wear, Mark can approach Batman with his friendly, unassuming "Say 'Hi' to your mother for me," only to be met with Batman's cold response: "I can't. She's dead." -- Martin Moakler

Two-Face -- Dane Cook

Once the clean-cut golden boy of Gotham, Two-Face (Dane Cook), becomes a notorious villain. Stealing from the more talented, and eviscerating perfectly good material, Two-Face becomes the scourge of the city. When Batman offers to take out Two-Face, Alfred (Louis CK) insists on "doing the honor," and promptly dumps scalding hot Dunkies down his nemesis's pants. -- Courtney Hyde

Catwoman -- Mindy Kaling

Anybody who's read Ms. Kaling's autobiography knows that she's got some sweet Kill Bill-esque revenge fantasies that are sure to come in handy for channeling Catwoman. But most of all, we're hoping she'd bring some cat lady swag to the role, embracing the fact that Catwoman never quite gets Batman to put a ring on it. So why not collect 50 or so cats, train them to fight alongside her, and call it a day? Thanks to The Office, we already know she can rock a leopard-print leotard. -- Katherine Rea

Bane -- Matt Damon

You thought Matt Damon was going to be Robin, didn't you? Well, you're wrong. He's Bane. In a stunning plot twist, it's revealed that before Affleck met him at age 10, Matt Damon was actually raised in an underground prison (Filene's Basement) and was inserted into Ben's life through careful planning by Boston's evil overlords (the same people responsible for 'The Big Dig') so that he could one day foil Batfleck's good deeds. Also, how awesome would it be to hear him use the Bane voice to say 'How da ya like them apples?' -- Liz Brown

The Riddler -- John Slattery

Come on, like you can't see The Riddler saying, "He died like he lived: surrounded by the people he answered phones for" to Alfred before trying to push him off the Gotham City Bridge? Roger Sterling -- ahem, we mean John Slattery -- is the perfect, silver fox'd Riddler. Look at the gold that was already written into "Mad Men." "I told him to be himself. That was pretty mean, I guess." Or, "See her this weekend. You hit it off, come Turkey Day maybe you can stuff her."

All right, so maybe this is the most sexual Riddler yet, but did we mention he also plays Tony Stark's dad in "Iron Man 2"? Pretend like this is vital information so we can go back to quoting "Mad Men." "A wooden leg! They're so cheap, they can't even afford a whole reporter." -- Ben Collins

Scarecrow -- Conan O'Brien

He's tall, wild-haired and his career trajectory is truly the stuff that psychedelic drug-induced nightmares are made of. After being carted off to Arkham Asylum (aka TBS late night), the world was sure they would never hear from Scarecrow O'Brien ever again. But as all good super villains know, revenge is a dish best served cold and in front of a live audience. Batfleck and the rest of them had best keep their gas masks on hand, because Scarecrow has had a whole lot of time to fantasize about the best way to get even (cue evil Conan laugh.) -- Liz Brown

The Police Commissioner -- Tom Brady

This man will roll with the punches. He will be a calm, stabilizing force amongst rampant disarray. He will speak coolly, flatly to the media as he reassures those who look to him for composure. He will facilitate good in the force of pure evil, even if that pure evil is potentially his coach or a few of his teammates, and one of them winds up being an alleged murderer (a murderer!) and they trade his right-hand man because of a personal grudge and replace him with a less-talented guy who kind of looks like him (but only a little) and their defense is still porous and they signed Tim Tebow, can you believe that, okay, this is just about Tom Brady. -- Ben Collins

Batgirl -- Amy Poehler

You can't find a more loveable "yes man" than Amy Poehler. Her loyalty to friends is unparalleled: As Leslie Knope, she's not above getting in a dumpster catfight with her colleague's sex-crazed, violent ex-wife. And we can't forget about her turn as a seal salesperson in "Arrested Development," where she demonstrates unrivaled bravery and dare devilishness as G.O.B.'s wife (they marry because of a series of escalating dares, shortly after robbing a convenience store). She'd surely bring that commitment and more to the role of Batgirl. -- Katherine Rea