THE BLOG
09/21/2007 01:04 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Presidential Proclamations

Still giddy from his blood-surging rush of righteous indignation over the Betray Us scandal, and the success of its condemnation in the Senate, the president has issued a new list of executive proclamations:

- The president's 64 percent disapproval rating will now be known as his 64 percent "heck of a job" rating.

- Dead soldiers will be reclassified as "involuntary non re-enlistees."

- Wounded soldiers will be termed as "prosthetically redeployed."

- PTSD will be designated as Post Terror Surge Delight.

- Blackwater and other private security groups will be known by the term "paid military buddies."

-Effective immediately, the Democratic Party donkey mascot party will be outlawed, replaced by a two-faced Communist gay weasel pissing on the American flag. (A national design contest will follow.)

- God will be officially decreed a Republican. As such the GOP will be known as "God's Only Party."

- Allah will be declared a Democrat.

- Based on an upcoming surgeon general report that education causes cancer, all colleges and universities will be immediately closed and "stupid" will heretofore be known as "the new smart."

- Pulling strings to enlisting in the National Guard as a way of avoiding service during the Vietnam war will be designated as "domestic gallantry." Any media reports to the contrary will be outlawed and those responsible will be fired for reasons of national security.

- Serving in Vietnam will be known as "cowardice."

- Being wounded in Vietnam: "extreme cowardice."

- Losing limbs in Vietnam: "aiding and abetting the enemy."

- The New York Times may no longer publish under that banner and must change its name to read: New York Jewish Liberal Babykiller Treason Times. Fox News will be retitled vox dei.

- Beginning with the 2008 election, voting booths will have only two levers: one to vote Republican, the other to vote Republican With All My Heart. A Vegas-style eye in the sky will be installed in all polling places to catch those who merely vote Republican.

- When asked if some of these proclamations seem excessive, cruel, defying logic, running counter to the principles upon which the country was founded, and perhaps even borderline insane, the president was quoted as saying: "Hey, I'm the president. If I say it, that makes it so. Je suis l'etat, and yippe-kay-ay, motherfucker. "