01/12/2009 02:00 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011


Some Republicans now praising Barack Obama's election as a wonderful milestone in our nation's history may actually be sincere. While others come off like the sneaky little shit who brings brass knuckles to a fistfight and beats the other guy senseless until his victim's enormous big brother shows up and then they're all smiles and "hey, c'mon, let's talk this thing out." These people are bullies in victory, and cowards in defeat. But at least they're crafty enough to see which way the wind is blowing and hedge their bets. Yet a nastier group of die-hards has gone back in the huddle and already come out with the proclamation "we're a center-right country," meaning don't get too cocky 'cause we're down today, but we'll be back, twice as mean tomorrow. Spray-tanned, rested, and ready.

But fortunately "tomorrow" is four years away and, in the meantime, we will see an orderly transfer of power--one thing we do real well in this country. Out with the old guard, in with the new. And nobody gets hurt. We don't disappear the vanquished in the middle of the night. Sure, the Bush administration went a little batshit with the Patriot Act, but we still don't have to fear the late-night knock on the door.

Although in weak moments I confess a smile at the thought of rounding up some of the more heinous Rethuglicans and shipping them off for a bit of political re-education. Maybe someplace like Guantanamo. O'Reilly, Hannity, Drudge, Rove, the Dicks--Cheney and Morris--Rumsfeld, Gonzalez, Kristol, Medved, Limbaugh, the appropriately named Savage...along with the cadres of physically attractive yet ugly-to-the-bone fembots such as Ingraham, Malkin, Bachmann, Coulter, and every crazy psycho bitch on Fox. Of course there'll be some initial complaining about being taken from their homes without cause but Gonzalez could explain on the flight down that they don't really have to be charged with anything. Habeas Corpus, my ass.

Once there, they'll be treated humanely. No torture. No waterboarding. Just some political re-schooling. Civics 101. Ethics. Compassion 101. Constitutional law. Fundamentals of Democracy. Fundamentals of Christianity. Basic human being lessons. Sort of like doing a factory recall on their souls.

We won't even have to remove the present Gitmo occupants. In fact, merging those two populations will provide a wonderful opportunity for the Americans to pal around with some real alleged terrorists and experience a genuine cross-cultural exchange. And when the Muslims face east toward Mecca to pray, the Republicans can face northwest toward California and jerk off to the memory of Ronald Reagan.

Given enough time, some may open their minds and hearts and, once re-educated, be repatriated, taking their places in civilized society. They won't even have to return as liberals. They can be neo neo-conservatives. Keep the hard work, low taxes, bootstraps thing. Lose the cobra venom. And for those who refuse to change, we can just keep them there. It would be wonderfully cleansing for the country. Like crapping out waste and useless byproducts from the body politik. And to make sure no one gets the wrong idea, we won't even call it prison. We'll just call it Hater Camp.