09/20/2012 12:49 pm ET Updated Nov 20, 2012

American Exceptionalism

The Trust for America's Health announced more depressing news on the obese state of the nation. On Tuesday the non-profit released "F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America's Future 2012," a 124-page document detailing the "profoundly, and clearly hopeless, situation regarding our expanding national waistline." Weighing in at an ironic 375-pounds, himself, TFAH Executive Director Parve Rhodes parroted the report while profanely acknowledging, "By 2030, everybody in America is going to be a f---ing blimp." Rhodes then finished his morning's third Big Mac and discarded the wrapper on the floor.

The comprehensive study describes the continuing and irreversible weight gains plaguing the United States. Its executive summary concluded that in less than 20 years, every last American citizen will be "a sedentary mass of lard unable to effectively bathe themselves, let alone actually contribute to a sustainable society in any way. It's over."

A mere few generations of modern life managed to overrule hundreds of thousands of years of human adaptive evolution. Though the human race proved ideal for the hunter gatherer phase, when confronted with the embarrassment of riches that modern agriculture and technology produced, mankind failed in a matter of decades.

"And we can only sadly look into the plus-size mirror and accept the undisputed facts that come with extrapolating the data," Rhodes frowned, unwrapping a Klondike bar. "In another 20 years every last one of us will be a spongy mess, with fat fingers barely able to operate a computer. Reproductive intercourse will likely be impossible for 100 percent of the country."

Of course states like Mississippi, today boasting a country-leading 35 percent obesity rate, may not have 20 years. When asked about stemming the tide, specifically if First Lady Michelle Obama's well-known "Let's Move!" campaign could make a difference, Rhodes laughed.

"That ship, has sailed, Mrs. Obama," he said. "Sure, it's good PR for the President that she's doing it, but come on. Right now, 90 percent of us couldn't run one kilometer, downhill."

Rhodes then farted and laughed.