Our Future Christian Theocracy

02/13/2011 02:48 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Onion newspaper, commonly known as "America's Finest News Source," published an article depicting their version of a 2083 classroom, in a country long accepting homosexuality as, well, as what some people are. But what if we follow another path?

Future History Students: "But two men or two women can't make a baby!"

Whitefish Bay, Wisc., 2083 -- According to students in Mr. Ezra Knowles' fourth-period History class, it's "astounding" that way back in the dark aged beginnings of the 21st century, people of the same sex publicly undertook romantic relationships without shame, even pressing for similar rights as other people, up to and including the ability to marry people of their own gender.

"Hold up there, Chief. Two men, or two women, actually thought it made sense for them to get married?" asked 14-year old Bryce Regis, born in 2068, and wearing the "I [heart] Jesus" t-shirt he stole from a smaller boy the previous week. "That was less than a hundred years ago. Are you saying they outlawed the Bible back then, or something crazy like that? I'm no priest, but I'm pretty sure that kind of talk could earn you an eternity in hell," he said with a look of God-fearing worry.

Bryce's teacher, Mr. Knowles, reminded him that American pioneer and hero President Sarah Palin wasn't even able to make Christianity the official national religion of the original United States until well into her second term, sparking more than half of the freshman history class to gasp.

"I know, but that was during only the initial years of the fall of liberalism when the razor-toothed communists, the ones the Prophet Reagan," he nodded holding up a one-dollar bill featuring President Ronald Reagan, "banished to Hell for eating babies and levying taxes, were still in fresh memory. Back then the Democrats had some crazy ideas that the few remaining outlaw party members today don't much like to talk about."

Mr. Knowles then explained the Lord had good reason, in Biblical times, to make mankind speak in different tongues when he decided to "go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other," but when the United States government took the lead in progressing English into the official planetary language in 2030, it was only the final remnants of the once-strong Democratic Party that opposed the efficiency.

"So if not everybody spoke the language of God," asked teacher's pet Andy Groethe from his front row desk, "is that why it took so long for us to show the world how much better our way of life is, and how the Loony Liberals managed to allow some of the European branch of the United States from joining the One Planet, One God initiative for so long?"

The students at George W. Bush High School in the Milwaukee County suburban enclave of Whitefish Bay, Wisc., were born long after the Romney Revolution of the early 2020s, and its precursor Tea Party movement. Today was the most interested and actively engaged Mr. Knowles could recall his students being, with the lesson about primitive culture.

"It wasn't until President Romney truly introduced the country to Mormonism," the leading strain of Christianity in the world ever since 2040, "that we, as a people, began fully embracing morals and ethics. There were people, around the turn of the millenium, who fervently believed the United States was not an entirely Christian nation chosen by God to lead the planet into enlightenment."

While these students found it unfathomable and abominable that the U.S. would ever supply military or financial aid to any non-Christian country, before the planetary unification known as "New Pangaea" was completed in 2061, their teacher encouraged them to carefully study the shocking history within their textbook, The United States of America; Jesus' Ambition.

Freshman Eric Dawkins, president of the all-White school's White Leadership Council, pointed out the irony of the one-time Islamic extremists who actually worshipped and killed in the name of the false idol Allah.

"In the polytheistic days that made Baby Jesus cry, there were these violent followers of a fake God, even though the Bible told us 'You shall have no other gods before me,' and they did all this bad stuff for their evil god. It would have been good stuff if they did it for Jesus, of course, but back then not everybody understood God like we do now. I guess that's what happens when you're so stupid and backwards that you can't and won't read an English Holy Bible, huh Mr. Knowles?"

"Hmm ... What was the Quran, Mr. Knowles?" asked Molly Dimick.

"Nothing you need to worry, about, Dear."

It wasn't until after President Romney's two terms, from 2021-2029, near the start of an unprecedented, and continuing, 70-year run of Republican control over the executive branch, that non-Christian religions including Islam and Judaism were officially eradicated from the Earth.

"Way back in the dark ages, though, those so-called 'Jews' even had an official country of their own!?" asked a horrified freshman, Katie Klump. "Called 'Israel,' and most of them refused to read the New Testament before bed each night? Thank Jesus we ended that reign of sick terror."

Mr. Knowles agreed, explaining the nation of "Israel" existed for about a century, before the eventual termination of that country and religion, and the subsequent relocation of many Israeli citizens to Australian Christian Re-education Camps, under President Bristol Palin in 2050. Their history teacher also explained the legal system of the 20th century was equally primitive to the culture.

"In fact," he said, "in 1972 the United States Supreme Court declared infanticide absolutely legal, and millions upon millions of young children were executed by doctors in what they called 'abortion.' Back then, you would all be nine months younger; until the 30th Constitutional Amendment officially declared life to begin at conception, people didn't start counting their age until after your physical birth."

Mr. Knowles' students were appalled to hear that women who knew their lives would only be hurt by starting a family, still insisted on having pre-marital sex, often with men they did not intend to marry.

"Wait a second!" interjected freshman class president Dee-Dee Gross. "Are you telling us that, back then, people who knew they weren't gonna get married, they purposefully had intercourse? Did they not know how babies were made?"

Mr. Knowles explained to the students that pre-marital sex was actually quite common in primitive cultures. Surely on History TV they had heard of "contraception," a method for having intercourse but generally preventing pregnancy?

"I heard of condoms, once," said Jimmy Jolley from the rear of the classroom. "But those weren't real, were they? You'd put a bag on your private part?"

Mr. Knowles explained condoms weren't bags, exactly, and they were quite common in the "dark ages," before the conservative social and economic world revolution that essentially saved planet Earth.

"Thank God for that," preached Mr. Knowles, "because when Jesus returns, which our Christian Scientists are calculating to happen sometime in the next decade, just imagine how many people would be left behind if we didn't live in an English-speaking, strictly Christian world."

"Amen," the children agreed, in unison.