07/24/2011 05:52 pm ET Updated Sep 23, 2011

Time for a Real Redefinition of Marriage

It is time to redefine the marriage contract. Heterosexuals have laid waste to the concept since time immemorial, from before Henry VIII on past Elizabeth Taylor, and at long last homosexuals should be given exclusive domain over legal marriage. For the entire course of mankind, since the birth of civilization, marriage has been the sole realm of the heterosexual. And what have we done with it?

At least here in America, half our state-sanctioned marriages result in divorce. Wasn't divorce a disallowed mortal sin in prominent strains of Christianity for most of recorded history? It seems straight people have only and utterly defiled what is supposed to be counted among the most precious of gifts the Lord offered: committed lifelong love, trust and companionship with a partner and soul mate.

And as we continue to destroy everything holy about this once-sacred institution of marriage, the majority of us simultaneously resist allowing the entire homosexual demographic from integrating the marriage tent for no rational reason. Are "traditional marriage" supporters frightened to let out the secret that is the godawful state heterosexuals have left marriage?

No, Newt Gingrich, you are not allowed to be married, anymore.

A new DOMA, the Definition Of Marriage Act, should be placed on the books, dissolving every man-on-woman marriage. It won't inherently outlaw any relationship; many heterosexuals will be allowed to lead whatever lifestyle they find personally appropriate. But official heterosexual marriage has no leg to continue to stand on.

After thousands of years of practice, in many ways it seems old-fashioned marriage is at its nadir. My fellow heterosexuals, we have been unusually poor stewards of the institution and marriage is a privilege we simply no longer deserve. Might "civil unions" and other such recognitions still be warranted for this failed concept of marriage between completely different genders? Quite possibly. It can be determined by each state how much respect heterosexual relationships will be afforded. Sodomy laws for intergender relations, and perhaps even civil unions of some sort, will be left to individual states.

Mankind has undeniably given classical marriage far more latitude than could realistically be expected. At every corner heterosexuals as a group proved themselves undeserving and unable to handle the responsibility and ownership of lawful matrimony. The United States has an opportunity to lead the worldwide cultural revolution into a dominant new dawn of human sexuality. And how will the legacy of the 21st century evolve; what will this future be like? It will be, in a word, fabulous.