06/05/2012 03:38 pm ET Updated Aug 05, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap: Bermuda, Bahama, Come on, Pretty Mama

This week on The Bachelorette, Emily embarks on her international travels with the guys! First stop: Bermuda.

The guys pull up to their living quarters on motorized scooters, and Alejandro confesses that he needs to "step out of the shadows this week." Ya think, buddy? No one even knows you!

It's time for the first one-on-one date, and, since Superman isn't going to show up, Doug steps in (his words, not mine). Emily and Doug traipse around Bermuda, walk through the arch of love or something of that nature, and smell perfume. Emily is skeptical of Doug and his good heart (he started a charity because his son didn't believe one person could change the world. Heart. Melting.), so, at dinner, she asks him to rattle off his flaws.

"What would your ex-girlfriend say your flaws are?" she prompts him.

"I spent too much time with my son and... umm... I didn't wash her car enough," he replies.

Emily is not buying it. She confesses some of her own flaws (She's sensitive. She doesn't go to the gym. She runs errands in her pajamas. All terrible, terrible qualities) to make him open up, but then decides he just might be the perfect man, sent here for her. And so a rose he gets!

On to the group date!

The chosen men are split into two teams and forced to race sailboats, while Emily sits in her own private mini-boat in the middle of the ocean.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the two-on-one date card is on it's way, and the remaining guys are absolutely dreading being chosen. You'd think they would be excited and confident enough to handle it, but they are all scared. It's really off-putting.

The sailboat race concludes with a yellow team victory, which means the red team is sent back to the hotel while the winners get more time with our Bachelorette. Jef (though on the winning team) literally loses part of his finger, Charlie loses his dignity when he cries in the back of the van, and Chris loses all rational sense when he tells his fellow "losers" not to worry; Emily is sure of her feelings [for us] and needs to get to know the other guys so she can send them home. Whatever gets you through it, buddy.

The winners are rewarded with a champagne toast (Ryan really kills the mood by calling Emily a potential trophy wife). Arie wins Emily over by telling her he misses her when they're not together (and he actually gets the blanket made for one around two people -- that had to win him points, too).

Jef also attempts to get the blanket around two people, but ends up having Emily kiss his wounded fingers. The producers do a terrible editing job and show Emily looking bored and awkward... then they get up and walk back to the group.

Ryan feeds Emily line after line after line, and she completely calls him out for it! She is not messing around here.

The rose is given to Jef, who seems shocked, and fireworks over the water complete the night.

The next day brings some drama -- the guys fight about age and the difference between 21, 25, 30, and 35. Chris, one of the youngest guys there, gets visibly annoyed (rightfully so -- he's clearly not at the same stage of life that Doug is), but his constant arguing really shows his immaturity.

It's time for the dreaded two-on-one date! And dreaded it is. Nate, John, and Emily quickly dive off cliffs and then have the most awkward dinner in a cave. Nate pronounces his side dish "kween-no-ah," we all chuckle, and then he starts crying about his amazing family. The guys are so incredibly unconfident on this date; I'm surprised Emily decided to keep either of them. She hands the rose to John and tells Nate she just doesn't see them together forever.

Fast forward to the cocktail hour!

Emily pulls Alejandro the mushroom farmer outside for a chat. He basically begs her to keep him, and I (not so) secretly wish she sends him home.

Ryan wears more lip gloss than Emily, and their chat is so full of pure crap, I can barely take it. A later shot of Ryan in front of the fireplace reveals that he seems to be on the show for publicity, so his media people can help him become the next Bachelor. I don't know about you, but no part of me wants to watch that.

Arie (thankfully) interrupts, and it seems like Emily is falling for him.

One F Jef (which was tweeted by former contestant JP and made me laugh out loud) sports periwinkle knee socks with shorts and loafers, and I just have no words.

Chris feels the need to defend his age again, this time persuading Emily he's mature, then moseying on over to confront Doug. It's a one-sided fight, though, when Chris takes (verbal) jabs at Doug and Doug just laughs.

After a brief and honest chat with Chris Harrison, it's time for Emily to give out the roses. She's sad that Jef didn't make a move; she's still wary of Doug's "perfection;" she notices there's drama circling around Ryan; and she really likes Arie.

Here come the roses!

Michael and Charlie are given the boot and both ugly cry as they exit. Sorry, Charlie (and Michael)!

Next week, we're headed to London, and the claws really come out! Someone calls Ricki "baggage" and Emily just won't stand for that -- I can't wait to see her put the men in their place(s)!