01/08/2013 08:23 am ET Updated Mar 10, 2013

The Bachelor Recap: 50 Shades of Grey Goose

It's been a while, Bachelor fans, but, boy! The wait was worth it... what an episode! Rules were broken, hearts were broken -- even heads were almost broken!

Our bachelor, Sean, has bounced back from heartbreak over Emily Maynard and is ready to find his wife.

Before heading to the mansion, a few words of wisdom and some instructional how-to's from Sean's good pal, Arie, are necessary. Some gems:

Sean, on rejection: "I can't use 'it's not you, it's me, because it's obviously them.'"
Arie, on his famous kissing style: "Eye contact. Use your hands. Touch the hair. Use your whole body. Very little tongue."
Sean, on accepting a rose: "Will you... accept this rose?" Nailed it.

Now, to find Mrs. Sean Lowe!

Lucky for us, we're able to meet a couple of the ladies before all the commotion starts. We're introduced to Desiree, a bridal stylist who thinks finding the perfect wedding dress is like finding the perfect guy (huh?); Tierra, who was unaware when she auditioned and was accepted onto the show that Sean would be her target (how'd all the others know?); Robyn, who back-flips throughout her apartment while learning Spanish off of sticky notes; Diana, the divorced single mom who seems to be the only one of her kind thus far; Sarah, the pretty blonde whose arm was amputated in utero and wants to find someone who will love all of her; Ashley P., the girl with a creepy obsession with 50 Shades of Grey; Lesley, the girl who works in D.C. and will campaign for Sean's heart; Kristy, the Ford model who reminds me of Courtney (of Ben's season); and AshLee, the professional organizer who was adopted after living in several different foster homes.

Exhausted? That was only nine of 25!

Now it's time for Sean to meet the women (err... Team Bachelor really found a whole new breed of crazy this season).

Everyone knows you have to really "make an entrance," but these girls took it to the next level. We saw a super-masculine handshake (I was waiting for the chest bump, seriously), a bright pink smooch on the cheek (and then a grandmotherly clean-up of said smooched cheek), a song (rap? poem? what would one consider that? sonnet?), a fountain wish, and a back flip gone bad. Honestly, Robyn almost cracked her head open. So embarrassing.

Ashley P. brought a tie, à la 50 Shades, freaking Sean out only minimally at this point. More to come on that, later.

We were reintroduced to Paige, a superfan from the most recent season of Bachelor Pad, in a reverse attempt at finding love (contestants are usually unsuccessful on The Bachelor/Bachelorette and then head over to BP for a second chance at love). Hey, whatever works!

Tierra, the girl who didn't even know Sean would be the star of this season, exits the limo and gives her speech. In a twist that got me giddy, Sean tells her to "wait right there," while he runs into the house and asks Chris Harrison if he could change things up.

Well, Sean, why not! Tierra is offered the First Impression Rose... upon first impression! WOO HOO!

Lindsay, the prankster, rolls up in a wedding dress and veil, kisses Sean on the lips, effectively scaring him, and asks him to find her for a dance inside. Right.

There's one more girl who's here to meet him -- a surprise. It's Kacie B. from Ben's season! The two met before the show, and she wants a second chance. Like I said before, aren't second chances for Bachelor Pad? But Sean is excited -- he met her and thought of her as a friend; now that he knows she has feelings for him, maybe something will develop. Kacie has the advantage here, since they already have a friendship going.

Sean chats with some of the other women and starts handing out roses like they're Tic-Tacs. This is all so new to me! Desiree gets the second rose and AshLee gets the third.

We see the first sign of cattiness when AshLee proceeds to tell Tierra she may have gotten the first rose, but they all got the First Impression Rose. Convince yourself until you're blue in the face, girl -- Tierra got the FIR. Literally.

Now comes the fun. I'm not sure if Team Bachelor pumped these girls with liquor, or this was all voluntary, but these girls are d-r-u-n-k!

First we see Sean excuse himself from his conversation with Nicki Minaj Ashley H. while sitting in front of a rose. Then, Paige demands to know what the early roses were about, while a hammered Ashley P. interrupts and then booty dances mere inches from them. When Paige finally gets up, Ashley P. tumbles onto the couch and whips out the 50 Shades tie again, causing Sean to actually say he might have to use his rape whistle. Best. Line. Ever.

Taryn is sniffling to Brooke (does she have a cold? Has she already been drunk crying?!) about how she doesn't fight for a man. Does she realize she signed up for The Bachelor, not Jeopardy? This is a man competition, honey.

Lindsay, the "bride," verbally wishes she were less drunk and manages to stumble-dance with Sean outside, creeping him out just enough that he passes on the opportunity to give her a rose on the spot.

Now that he's given out 12 roses already, he has seven more to dole out, sending six women packing. Among the eliminated: 50 Shades Ashley, Bachelor Pad Paige, and Nicki Minaj (Ashley H.).

Among the keepers: Kacie B., drunk bride Lindsay (hopefully for comedic purposes only), and Taryn, the confirmed crier.

Eight solid minutes of previews showed drama, boyfriends, boats, and rock climbing - all the elements of a successful season of The Bachelor.

What did you think of Sean's choices? How do you feel about Kacie B.'s return? Share some thoughts, and see you next week!