THE BLOG
11/22/2016 04:27 pm ET Updated Nov 23, 2017

A Sermon On Hating A President

Pastors of America, take the following for your Sunday sermon:

"Dearly beloved:

Hatred shares some heredity with anger, and anger is one of the seven deadly sins. Religious morality recoils from anger and from hatred. So what are we to do at this moment when more than half of America's citizens hate the President-Elect? 'Hatred' is indeed too anemic a term and other names leap for attention: Aversion! Odium! Disgust! Despising! Abhorrence! Repugnance! Loathing! Execration! We see these vile words indelibly scribbled onto placards and posters and held with pinched fingers by marching men, women and children.

I'd like to perform an Anatomy of Hatred by reviewing eight questions put to, and answered by, millions of the haters. Here are the questions and here are the answers:

1. Has the hated Object really said or done anything warranting hatred? Answer: The hated Object uttered as many errors as words and offended in every syllable and gesture.

2. Is the hated Object hated as a whole, or is the Object hated for one defective part? Answer: Haters hate only 'his guts.'

3. Didn't Jesus warn against hating a brother? Answer: Jesus did warn against hating a brother, and fortunately the Object of hatred is no sibling to any of the haters, though a few of the Object's Scottish cousins risk offending Jesus on this point.

4. Is there some remedy whereby the Object of hatred can appease the haters? Answer: May God absolutely forbid this, but the Object of hatred could step through the portal of death and claim his eternal recompense soon rather than later. But God forbid.

5. What is the expected term of the hatred, when will it end? Answer: See # 4 above. Otherwise, in four years. Otherwise, in eight years. Otherwise, never.

6. Do you intend any violence to the Object of hatred? Answer: No. Only daily reprimands and nightly tongue lashings, but no laying on of hands for bodily injury.

7. Has the Object of hatred poisoned any relations that are external to the Object of hatred himself? Answer: Yes, residual disappointments mar friendly and familial affairs all over the land.

8. Will the Object of hatred extend his ill effects beyond the U.S. borders? Answer: Yes, the Object of hatred will infect to the North Star.

Gentle flock, we have enough information here to offer counsel to those of you who are among the haters. These eight questions were scientifically and spiritually designed so that, if those very answers were given, something called a 'Loophole-Hatred' would become permissible and even meritorious. This is precisely the kind of hatred that God excuses and even looks kindly upon. It is a hatred not subject to the confessional. It is not a trigger of conscience. It is a virtuous disposition that has been unwillingly thrust upon haters by a man who would not keep to the limiting restraints of a TV reality show but sought to lift himself from that peculiar anonymity by the Lark of a Presidential Bid, offering all along only chaotic and sub-ethical musings suitable for an insomniac composer of wee-hour tweets. In short, this particular hatred is not the hater's fault! This hatred, which somberly ornaments our country and drapes more than half of its citizens in muted colors, is the Object of hatred's doing! It is the Object's own fault!--aided and abetted by his klingon sponsors!

Let us bow and pray."