THE BLOG
05/22/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Detainees Bemoan New Torture Policy

Though many in the nation are thrilled that President Obama has gotten rid of the Bush Administrations torture programs, there are some dissenters. Outside of those in the old administration, clinging to a proven failure, a few of the inmates themselves have recently begun to complain.

"I can't believe Obama's gotten rid of the torture. It's just... it's not fair. This was exactly why I joined the Islamic extremist movement." This is Abdul Al Hussein, formerly Bob Dunlop, an accountant from the upper west side of Manhattan. "I had been spending- you know- hundreds per month on my dominatrix," Mr. Al Hussein told us. "Electroshock, water torture, humiliation... so when I heard that the US government was torturing people? And for free? Oh yeah, man. Sign me up. Sign me up."

Dark Lace was Mr. Al Hussein's former mistress. She spoke to us from her midtown dungeon. "There's been some trouble with retention. I remember, back at the height when those pictures were starting to come out, we were losing like... two clients a week to Islamic Extremism. And it's not like I didn't get it. Those CIA guys... they were doing some good work."

"Those stress positions!" said 'Mistress Melinda'. "I mean, I've tried having guys hold stress positions against a wall, but I never seen any like that! Honestly, it wasn't great for business, but at the same time... Wow... I mean, those CIA guys made me work at the top of my game to keep up. As soon as those pictures came out, it just wasn't good enough to zap a guys nuts with a car battery anymore."

Though a few detainees are complaining, their former mistresses are thrilled. Said Dark Lace, "It's been really great for our economy, shutting down the torture like that. And with all this stuff coming out in the news, we got a big crop of new guys who really want to be water-boarded."

Still, regret over the nation's new respect for human rights has some down. "You know," said Al Hussein, "Why couldn't someone have told me that it could all end like that? I mean, killing people? Death to American and all that? You can get into that stuff a bit, but what really got me jazzed up was the free torture. They could have kept that going for a while, and all I had to do was not say anything." Al Hussein sighed and looked at his abdomen, where there were no longer any bruises from being slapped. "I never would have become an Islamic Extremist if it weren't for the human rights abuses."