07/11/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

My Time in Operation Rescue

After the tragic death of George Tiller, I thought long and hard and decided to join Operation Rescue. It was mostly due to fear, I'll admit that. But once I joined the organization, I started really falling for it. I think it was something about the pure drive of the whole thing, all those people marching in step behind an untenable position, there was a sort of beauty in it.

And then the whole "The Pill Kills" thing. And I think that was what really made me understand what exactly Operation Rescue was about, how it worked, and where it was going. And I looked at our leadership and I said to myself, they know where we have to go, but maybe they don't have the stones to take us there. And so, I staged a coup d'etat. And now, I am in charge of Operation Rescue, and I will take us to the promised land!

"The Pill Kills" protest shows us the true nature of Operation Rescue. Any possible potential for life must be guarded. But it seems that every time we go after some life issue, we only put the blame on the women. It lets the media perceive us as against the reproductive rights of women, as opposed to for the rights of four cells that could very possibly be expunged by the natural processes in her body anyway. And that's why our next protest is going to be called "The Door Is Abhored".

I want an Operation Rescue operative to knock down the door to the bathroom and bedroom of every man in America, and keep an eye on all of them so that they cannot masturbate. Those are living sperm! Each one of the thousands of sperm in each ejaculation could potentially be a soldier in the Army of Christ. I want children on every corner wearing T-Shirts that say "I was almost left in a piece of tissue paper." Every time a man wants to think about masturbating, I want Operation Rescue members to spring out in front of him and start screaming "Get a girl drunk! Get a girl drunk!" and then using our special Operation Rescue technology, we'll poke holes in all of their condoms. It's not that we're condoning sex outside of marriage or taking advantage of women in an inebriated state, but wouldn't it be better if that sperm was in a vagina than flushed down the toilet?

Operation Rescue understands that every man in America is steadily wasting millions of potential lives every single year. Millions of sperm that could potentially bond with eggs and possibly become human beings. It's time to show the country, we're not against the reproductive rights of women, we're against the reproductive rights of everyone.