05/04/2015 01:35 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Dear Microsoft: Why So Judgy? (And Other Ways Technology Can Make Us Feel Like Crap)

Great. Another way to make me feel old and bad about myself.

In case you missed it, Microsoft released the ultimate age calculator technology called Just upload a picture of yourself and find out how old you look -- because that's exactly the kind of information you need to start off a productive day of confidence. (PS? If you want to really know how old you look, just ask a little kid. Little people have no filter and you'll find out exactly what you look like to others. AmIRight?)

While it is all fun and games (innocent, right?), Geordie Guy from The Guardian points out some important information:

After this is over, Microsoft will have an extensive trove of pictures, one for everyone on the Internet that was curious if a piece of software could pick their age. Because the website is able to collect information about visitors (like every website is), it's not only possible but easy for Microsoft to arrange the photos into "Australians", "Mac users" and other demographics based on information automatically sent when you're online.

Oh yeah. That's right. Someone is tracking every damn step you make on the Internet. Yes, even those ridiculous quizzes we all take about our super hero names and post to Facebook. (You can call me Dark Bane, if you wish.)

Guy also goes on to say about Microsoft's, "What will that purpose be? A security database for police to identify crowds? Or just stock photos of happy Microsoft users on their website?"


Anyway, I started thinking about ways that we could expand this useful piece of API-driven technology for the betterment of all mankind. I mean, the possibilities are endless, really...

1. How Many Doughnuts?

Upload a picture of your (covered, of course) ass and thighs and How Many Doughnuts will immediately tell you how many of those oh-so-yummy-sugary-bites-of-heaven you've eaten in the past 60 days. Potential Sponsor: Fitbit

Conversely, it could also tell you how many doughnuts you can afford to eat in the next 60 days and maintain your current physique. Potential Sponsor: Krispy Kreme.

2. How Much Caffeine?

Upload a screen shot of your latest Facebook rant and this app will miraculously tell you how much caffeine you've had. It will also monitor your Facebook feed and send you warning texts to cut back on the caffeine when it feels like you're getting ranty and scary on social media. Potential Sponsor: Diet Coke.

3. How Much Self-Involvement?

Want to know if you're too self-involved? Are you taking too many selfies? Want to know if you annoy every person that you come into contact with? Enter the How Much Self Involvement? app. Simply enter the name of your Instagram account and this app will lightening-fast tell you if you're too self-involved. (Majority answers: Yes.) Potential Sponsor: Selfish by Kim Kardashian

4. How many kids?

How fun is this app? Snap a picture of your car floorboard and this app will tell you how many kids it thinks you have. Bad news? If you have no kids but frequent fast food joints while you commute and basically live out of your car, this app will consistently guess that you have 12 children. (Sorry.) App also works on mom purses. Potential Sponsor: McDonald's


Oh, in case you're wondering, I did try out the website for myself:



A version of this post originally appeared on Follow the author Jacqueline Wilson on Twitter and Instagram.