03/07/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Howard Dean Must Be Losing It

Here is what probably happened at Howard Dean's home yesterday:

[Howard Dean is sitting in a chair in his underwear, eating a bowl of beans with a fork. His hair is really messed up. The TV is blaring an interview between President Barack Obama and NBC News Anchor, Brian Williams.]

OBAMA: I'm frustrated with myself, my team. I'm here on television saying I screwed up.

[Dean chokes on beans and starts screaming]

DEAN: God damn right you did!

OBAMA: I screwed up.

DEAN: I know!

OBAMA: I've got to own up to my own mistakes.

DEAN: That is right! [Dean throws bowl against the wall] BOOM! I AM A DOCTOR!

JUDITH DEAN: [from her bedroom] Howard, please!

DEAN: No! I will not! Daschle's gone and the Dean is IN, woman!

JUDITH DEAN: They'll probably appoint Ron Wyden.

DEAN: Says who?

JUDITH DEAN: Bloggers.

DEAN: I'll show you bloggers...

[Dean runs over to a phone and starts dialing. A woman answers.]

WOMAN ON PHONE: Well, hello baby.

DEAN: What? Who is this? I need to speak with the President, immediately.

WOMAN ON PHONE: What number are you trying to reach?

DEAN: 1-800-Obama

WOMAN: You dialed 1-800-Omama. It's sex talk with actual moms.

DEAN: I'll stay on the line.

[Two hours later, Dean is in the backyard gluing a bunch of PVC pipe and belts together]

JUDITH DEAN: What in God's name are you doing?

DEAN: I'm making a helicopter. And going to Washington.

JUDITH DEAN: No you are not. We have a car. Three cars, actually.

DEAN: I delivered children into this world, I can make a helicopter.

JUDITH DEAN: Not the same thing.

DEAN: Really? Aren't they? [Dean straps on goggles, gets in and miraculously flies away]

JUDITH DEAN: I can't believe it...

[Suddenly, a plane flies through the air and hits the Dean-copter]

SULLY THE PILOT: Oh fuck, really? Is there any water around us?

COPILOT: Doesn't look like it.

SULLY THE PILOT: Well, at least I got to go to the Super Bowl.

COPILOT: I'm still mad you didn't take me.

SULLY THE PILOT: You get too drunk and say horrible things to women.

Meanwhile, at the Whitehouse...

OBAMA: [hanging up the phone] Well, apparently Howard Dean is stuck in a jet-engine.


OBAMA: Any thoughts on who could do it?

[Bill Bradley pops up from behind a plant]

BILL BRADLEY: I'll do it.

RAHM EMMANUEL: How did you get in here?

BILL BRADLEY: I'm really good at tunneling. And basketball.

OBAMA: I...fine, you can have it.

BILL BRADLEY: Sweet! I want my office to be in here.

RAHM EMMANUEL: No, this is the President's office.

BILL BRADLEY: I don't see what the problem is.

OBAMA: I screwed up.

BILL BRADLEY: I am a doctor now.