07/30/2007 06:32 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Baseball Commissioner Bush?

When he is mercifully removed from office, President Bush will be a relatively young man, which has led to speculation about what he will do during the next phase of his life. Because of his previous career as a baseball executive in Texas, many say he will eventually be appointed Commissioner of Baseball. While it may take a few years to stack the ownership ranks with sympathetic cronies to vote him in, it's not too early to imagine the initiatives that will mark his tenure as commissioner:

* The suspension of the free agent rules, locking players to their teams for a tour of duty of indeterminate length, due to a national crisis to be named later.

* Establishing an Office of Pastime Security to spread goodwill, organize charity events, and eavesdrop on all conversations between players and their agents.

* In the best interests of baseball, sealing all records of inquiries into steroid use for the next 50 years.

* Staking his reputation on a complete overhaul of the players pension plan, only to drop it three months later.

* Concocting a plan to set up 47 new teams in Mexico, the Caribbean, and Latin America, then letting the measure die in committee.

* Declaring a War on Soccer, "to stop its pernicious influence throughout the world and plant the seeds for a love of baseball in the dusty streets of Iraq, the fields of Indonesia, and the farms of Brazil, so that all people everywhere can enjoy the peace and freedom of sitting in the bleachers, shelling peanuts and heckling the outfielders."

* Installing Paul Wolfowitz as director of the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, which three months later mysteriously burns to the ground.

* Expanding the use of signing statements to all team general managers, who can then sign player contracts and not actually be bound to follow them.

* Consuming unseemly amounts of hot dogs and non-alcoholic beer at Nationals games with Condi.