10/25/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011


While just about everyone is agonizing over the 700 billion dollars we're going to spend on bailing out financial institutions, our pro-life president is hard at work. He's making sure that just in case we survive this crisis, our babies will be carefully protected from mad scientists grumbling about dangers to infant health--even as these lab-coated crazies fail to realize that scare tactics can endanger the economic health of our rocket industry.
The Environmental Pollution Agency (bet you didn't know about the name change) is just about to rule on perchlorate, a chemical known to hinder the operation of the thyroid gland in pregnant women, newborns, and young children. But the main thing about percholate is that we need it for rocket fuel.
In 2005, the EPA's own data showed that perchlorate had polluted the soil, groundwater, and drinking water in 35 states and had contaminated 153 public water systems in 26 states. Now according to the latest report drafted by the EPA and heavily edited by White House officials, over 16 million Americans are exposed to perchlorate at a level many scientists consider unsafe. But under pressure from the White House, the EPA will NOT set a drinking water standard for percholate, and White House officials have also deleted from the EPA report any reference to scientific studies that show what percholate can do to infants.
The White House, you see, wants to protect all of us from the scary things that hysterical scientists sometimes say. According to Robert Zoeller, a professor at the University of Massachusetts who specializes in the thyroid, even a slightly impaired thyroid can reduce IQ and increase problems in behavior and perception. "It's absolutely irreversible," he says. "Even small changes in thyroid function early on have impacts on functioning throughout high school and even into people's twenties."
Can you believe this nonsense? If the White House had done so, it would have let the EPA practically shut down the rocket industry. Instead, it has made the EPA allow a perchlorate contamination at 15ppb: FIFTEEN TIMES the amount suggested by the EPA itself in 2002. Boy, what a relief for the rocket makers!
Now it's true that the EPA still squawks about a few things. Its new report says that up to twenty-eight thousand pregnant women and up to two million Americans could be exposed to contamination even higher than 15ppb. It also finds that if parents mix formula with drinking water contaminated at 15ppb, bottle-fed infants will be exposed to more than FIVE TIMES the level judged safe by the National Academy of Sciences.
But who cares what hare-brained scientists have to say? Don't they realize that we need rocket fuel to ensure the safety of all Americans, including babies?
Hail to the chief!