07/01/2007 03:17 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Five Reasons why Ann Coulter Doesn't Like John Edwards

Why is Ann Coulter so focused on John Edwards? It could be all sorts of reasons, but here are a few possibilities, along with some words of comfort for Ann Coulter.

Reason 1. John Edwards is Christian, and says Jesus wanted us to help the poor and powerless. This apparently runs counter to her theory of what is needed to get to heaven.

If you are a Christian, this is something to think about. Jesse Helms seemed to connect with this idea late, as he prepared to meet his maker, and he became an unlikely champion of helping AIDS patients in Africa. Ann has lots of time to repent.

Aside from the "New Testament" thing, Coulter seems jealous of John Edwards's personal situation.

Reason 2. John Edwards is a man. Coulter says she is "more of a man" than liberal democrats. She seems like "more of a man" than most right-wing republicans too, if you define being a man as being ready to insult everyone for anything. Compared to Ann Coulter, Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, and Donald Rumsfeld are sissies.

Unless she is hiding something under her mini dress, she isn't actually a man, and this seems to bother her. But she shouldn't worry too much. I think people are beginning to be less sexist in terms of whom they think can be a leader, or what leadership means. Ann must know this, because she is clearly embraced by the anti-feminist republican community, for her ability to skewer the opposition. They don't mind that she is not actually a man. Neither do I. I think it is refreshing that the republicans have adopted an unmarried vampy women who comes across as a dominatrix to be their chief spokesman for traditional (family) values and pious religious practices.

Reason 3. John Edwards is better looking than Ann Coulter. She seems pretty focused on this, but she should relax. What is scary about Ann Coulter has nothing to do with her physical appearance, which is not spectacular, but fine by the prevailing standards. Look, I know what it's like. John Edwards is a lot better looking than I am too. So is George Clooney, but I don't hold that against him as an actor, director or film producer. That's just the way it is, and at our age, these things don't improve much. Try to find a lover willing to overlook this.

Reason 4. John Edwards knows how to buy clothes the right size. Ann seems to have some trouble in this department. She should lighten up. Lots of us end up buying clothes that are actually too small for us, sometime for different reasons. But she shouldn't change. By wearing dresses a couple of sizes too small, she makes the rest of us feel better about our own limited fashion sense. So this is kind of a public service.

Reason 5. John Edwards seems to have a devoted and loving family. Ann doesn't seem to even have a steady date or any good friends. Hey, there's still time. With plenty of money, you can probably buy some friends.

This family stuff is not as easy as it might look, and no one is judging Ann Coulter for her lifestyle. Nowadays there is less pressure to be the traditional couple or family. Just ask Mary Cheney, or tons of people who don't have kids. Sometimes my kids wonder why I thought I could be a dad. Actually, it's perfectly fine with me if Ann Coulter doesn't have half a dozen kids. Really. And I think I speak for a lot of people on this one.