08/03/2012 04:12 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Steamy Highlights from My New Erotic Novel, Fifty Shades of Chick-Fil-A


Controversy can be very inspiring to a novelist. Such was the case with the recent headlines concerning both a certain restaurant chain and a certain polarizing book about sado-masochism. Please enjoy these exclusive excerpts from my new sure-to-be-a best seller about Anna, a young innocent who finds herself plunged into a world of self-destructive (but quite titillating if you like that sort of thing) amorous adventures with an influential deviant.

Page 3: The day hung around me like an untried sweater on a sale rack. The last thing I wanted to do was interview Christian Grey, the powerful CEO of a fast food chain about how marriage should only be between a man and a woman, but my friend Katherine Chlamydia had a cold and so the assignment fell to me. If I had known at the time that the whole thing would turn into an obsessive (but entirely sanctioned by God because we were heterosexual) love affair involving bondage, humiliation and extra mayo, I, too, may have claimed to have had Chlamydia. I mean, a cold.

Page 28: As Grey's private helicopter, the Chicken Chopper, landed on the heliport of his corporate headquarters, I found my unhealthy attraction toward him swelling like the disproportionately huge end of a spicy chicken wrap in which the ingredients hadn't been evenly distributed by whoever put it together, and so all the good stuff is down one end kind of thing.

Page 49: When I first saw the room, I was taken aback. What were all those fryolators for?

Page 85: Was it wrong that I was enjoying this? Wrong that I took pleasure in being flogged with a kids' meal? Wrong that I found it exciting to be humiliated, openly accused of being a slut who only shops at Whole Foods? Even now, I feel a stirring in my nether regions as I hear him screaming, "And now, woman-child, you will have a meal with 56 grams of fat and like it!" I would sign a thousand non-disclosure agreements for this.

Page 116: We sat up in bed, naked apart from our head-to-toe constrictive leather bondage gear, and watched the news. Thousands of loyal supporters were turning out in appreciation of the fast food restaurant they held dear. Looking back, it is difficult to say which one of us got the idea to add exhibitionism to our list of unsavory (but, again, basically okay because we weren't gay) sexual exploits. And as we communicated through our lawyers from our respective jail cells hours later, we both agreed it was well worth it. To be cheered on by healthy, God-fearing fast food patrons as we punished each other with repeated blows from pieces of uncooked breaded chicken.

These excerpts are all I am permitted to share, sorry. But don't worry. If you want more, I am pretty sure I will be padding this out into a trilogy.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.