09/26/2012 01:01 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Corporations Angry Over People Insulting Their Profit

Corporations the world over are trying to get to the bottom of disrespectful protests, blogs and videos that make a mockery of the profit they hold so dear.

"This is a slap in the face to the very foundation of our belief system," said one CEO, who took a break from making 380 times what the average worker makes to offer his opinion. "My company, much like many others, is in the business of amassing more and more wealth, no matter what the human cost. Any sentient being can see how sacrosanct profit is to us. And yet they denigrate it, as if the daily prayers we make about all the poor people one day being swept up in a tidal wave have no meaning."


An image from one of the many forms of protest that are disrespectful to corporations

"It's unconscionable," offered a Chairman of the Board for a noted multinational, whose commentary was briefly interrupted by the appearance of a woman he pays minimum wage to light the candles around the shrine to profit he keeps in his office. "The worship of greed is a beautiful, moving ritual that goes back thousands of years. And yet whoever is responsible for these blasphemous outbursts clearly has no appreciation for that."

"Corporations are people," the chairman said. "We cut and bleed and feel things just like human beings. Well, actually, no, we don't, not really, but I was hoping for a knee jerk reaction."

Corporations have vowed to counteract insults to their profit by continuing to place the drive for profit above the well-being of the world's inhabitants.

Said one highly paid corporate consultant, "Hey, it's what we do."