01/22/2013 09:48 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

I Am So Psyched That Quentin Tarantino Is Going to Direct Downton Unchained


SPOILER ALERT: This entire article contains tons of spoilers about how every member of the upper-class family of Downton Abbey is systematically eliminated in various ways in slow-motion by an uprising of the servant class until the walls of Downton are soaked in aristocratic blood and even Lord Grantham's beloved dog gets his.

Quentin Tarantino is a genius at finding knee-jerk subjects that make violence fun and justifiable, so I was as excited as anyone to hear about his upcoming involvement in Season 4 of Downton Abbey. The inequities of the upstairs/downstairs system of demeaning servitude needed addressing, and what better way to address them than with revenge-driven carnage? No doubt, such exploitative treatment, which tackles social issues by drenching them in jaw-droppingly insane violence, will spark debate about whether or not there are links between such cinematic images and the real thing. But, for now, nobody has any proof of that, so let's just enjoy it!

Of course, the current season of Downton is not over yet (at least here in the states), so I don't know what kind of shockers are in store for us prior to the involvement of Mr. Tarantino in the next incarnation of the show. What I can tell you is that my sources reveal several mind-blowing developments that will be part of the upcoming Downton Unchained.

  • Lord Grantham is shot 59 times in a row by Thomas, with 59 separate, antique single-shot hunting rifles.
  • For ditching Lady Edith at the altar, Sir Anthony is decapitated by Mr. Carson with a serving tray.
  • It's Kill Bill in the dining room, when Miss O'Brien and Anna find Samurai swords in the study and hack their way through a table full of visiting rich bastards who complain about being given a soup spoon instead of a bouillon spoon.
  • Daisy and Mrs. Patmore make an unsuccessful but gruesome attempt to cook Lady Sybil and Lady Mary alive.
  • The 'f' word (footman) is used over 500 times.
  • Maggie Smith remains unharmed, and makes awesome satirical comments about the bloodshed.

Ready for Downton Season 4? I know I am!