This is an incredibly volatile and precarious time in the annals of history. Crucial votes on our leadership and governmental policy could shake the very foundations of our democracy. The ideologies of those who would assume power are so polarizing that to remain on the sidelines is nothing short of unconscionable. There is a lot at stake, and I so want to engage in the political process and make a difference.
Unfortunately, there is a cat on my lap.
I can't move. I mustn't move. For to move would be to disrupt this peaceful, purring creature from the sanctuary of its Zen-like state. And we can't have that. Not to mention, this furry, four-legged entity is providing me with perhaps the only true affirmation of my worth as a human being I may ever receive. "Your lap is good," it seems to say as it gratefully receives a robust chin scratch, "therefore you are good."
So, as I say, it would be nice to get online and maybe sign a few petitions, or mark up by sample ballot or even post an angry, politically-charged meme to Facebook. But, none of that is going to occur because even though my laptop is within reach, it would be far too awkward to have to balance it on top of this cat's rump. Not to mention placing a foreign object directly on top of said cat would most surely cause it to dart away from its position of being perched across my thighs. And that simply cannot happen.
This cat must never leave my lap. It is right and good that it should be there, and all activity must cease while it rests, sphinx-like, on my legs. And if that ceasing of activity includes working toward change for the very life's blood of my nation, well so be it.
In fact, this cat's basic lap-sit could easily progress to a full-on splay, wherein the feline goes into an even further relaxed state and dissolves across me in a heart-achingly beautiful display of complete trust and comfort. If you think I am going to pass that up just to have an impact on some legislation that could make it easier on the people with whom I share this precious planet, you are crazy.
Yes, my phone is within easy reach. I could probably accomplish some Internet advocacy with Wi-Fi, but, you know, I don't think that's going to work, either. I mean, just the slightest movement from me could cause kitty to bolt, and I simply cannot take that chance. You guys probably all know about the studies they've done on the therapeutic aspect of pets. It can result in lower blood pressure, reduced feelings of hopelessness and fewer bouts of anxiety. When's the last time the political process could claim to do any of that good stuff? I ask you! So, my apologies, various web sites soliciting for my virtual signature on petitions to my representatives in Washington--not gonna happen.
In closing, I guess I should apologize for whatever nightmare scenario you could all end up living through just because one citizen willfully refused to become engaged politically.
But, hey, I'm sorry. There's a cat on my lap.
More of James Napoli's comedy content for the web can be found here.