04/28/2011 11:48 am ET Updated Jun 27, 2011

If Donald Trump Becomes President, I'm Going to Talk About Moving to Europe But Not Really Do It

I mean, come on, how much more can my intelligence be insulted by the level of discourse in American politics? It seems like every election cycle there emerges some real or potential threat to basic human dignity and common sense. Well, I said it when we elected George W. Bush, and I said it when people talked about Sarah Palin running for commander in chief, and now I am going to say it again. If Donald Trump becomes president, I shall be forced to talk about moving to Europe but not really do it after all.

The thought of yet again suffering the indignities of living in a country that could elect a reality television star to the presidency... it crushes my spirit. It robs me of my will to live. It creates a simmering, festering rage that I sometimes feel will leave me broken inside to the point of having to be institutionalized. I am certain this eventuality would leave me no option but to flee the land of my birth.

But, really, I mean, I just cleaned my apartment. And you know how good you feel when your apartment is really, really spic and span? It's almost as if you have a whole new place. It's like that feeling of completion you get when you finally get a big load of laundry done, except multiply that by, like, ten. Not the best time to make a big move to a foreign land. And then there's the monumental hassle of learning another language. Sure, most people speak English everywhere, but you have to figure it's going to cut down on my viability in a job search if I'm not a native speaker. Oh, God, the job search. Nowadays you need to have eleven different résumés handy, and I don't know if I want to go to all that trouble, especially overseas. And I'll lay odds that by the time I could even get a work permit, Trump would be out of office anyway. To be honest, I'm the type of person who won't even change his email address because the thought of cc'ing everybody just to let them know I've changed it is too much to bear. Yes, yes, the thought of my country being ruled by a reactionary dimwit who symbolically disembowels everything I stand for is also too much to bear, but maybe not as bad as the trauma of having to copy everybody in my address book.

And, let's be honest, those metaphorical slaps in the face, those affronts to my sensibilities are already proffered by our representatives and media pundits hourly. Between letting everybody know how outraged I am and screaming in fury at clips from Fox News that my friends forward me on the Internet, I have my hands full.

And so I feel reasonably secure in re-stating my firm, unshakable position on this issue. If America actually elects Donald Trump as president, I am going to stay here. While loudly and continually telling everybody that I plan on leaving. That'll teach 'em.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.