01/14/2013 07:11 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Milk of Human Kindness Now Available in 2 Percent


Tired of being asked to care about every misfortune that may befall your fellow man?

Fed up with your hard-earned money going to help those less fortunate?

Sick of having to feel compassion every time you see a homeless person?

Then this new, low-involvement, 2 Percent Milk of Human Kindness formula is just for you.

Free of 98 percent of those obligatory feelings of empathy that make your life difficult!

Healthier, stress-reducing and guilt-free!

No more bouts of conscience brought on by the need to succeed at the expense of others!

You'll find new 2 Percent Milk of Human Kindness makes it easier to:

  • Downsize
  • Foreclose
  • Hold on to family resentments
  • Maintain an "I've got mine" attitude
  • Tune out unrest in foreign lands
  • Distrust outsiders
  • Shun unfamiliar belief systems
  • Ignore your friends' Kickstarter campaigns

So try a glass of 2 Percent Milk of Human Kindness today. You'll be glad you didn't... care!

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be found here.