THE BLOG
11/01/2011 06:28 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Tea Party Removes Gay-Themed 'Fruited Plain' from America the Beautiful

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Continuing its unyielding support of America's core values, the Tea Party, in a statement released to the press from an unnamed satellite office, has taken action to remove the phrase "fruited plain" from all future performances of America the Beautiful that may be sung by any of its members.

According to sources close to Tea Party insiders, the removal of this "gay-themed" phrase has long been on the agenda of the rabble-rousing group of political upstarts.

"We just don't like the implications," reads the press release. "There are so many things that are distinctive and uniquely American about our country's plains. Why should such a stirring song not only teach our children about homosexuality, but conjure up the disturbing image of row upon row of gay people swaying gently in the breeze?"

When asked about the idea that the song's lyric refers to the plains rich with agricultural crops in the shadow of the purple mountains, a Tea Party spokesman replied, "Health care is socialism."

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.