06/28/2016 07:51 pm ET Updated Jun 29, 2017

Ghostbusters 2 Was a Sh*tstain --So Why Is the Bar Still So High?

There are plenty of movies I don't plan on seeing in the theater. In fact, nearly all of them. I'm an adult, with things to do, and it's a rare occasion that I make it out to "experience" a movie. Chances are, I see one on Netflix, and pause it several times for urination and/or cookies. And if I think of a good dick joke while important dialogue is going on--well, then my wife will just have to rewind that scene to hear what the Englishman said. The dick joke gets precedent.

I don't know whether the new Ghostbusters movie will be any good. I do know, though, that its merit will have little to no impact on my life.

When 1984's Ghostbusters came out, I was just finishing first grade. I loved it then, and I still do. Not only was it a hilarious adventure, but it was actually scary to seven-year-olds. There was a lot at stake.

But I'm not seven anymore. A TED Talk is more likely to change my life than a comedic adventure about bumbling paranormal scientists. And I've never even seen a TED Talk.

Ghostbusters is only sacred because we say it is. The creators didn't even agree with that, and the proof is Ghostbusters 2. You only liked Ghostbusters 2 because you were young and excited for it, so you hardly noticed that the plot was nearly identical--yet far inferior--to Ghostbusters.

It was a pink shitstain. It still is. But don't take my word for it--take Bill Murray's.

The ground has already been desecrated. There's nothing left to fight for. If you disagree, and you consider the entire Ghostbusters legacy up until now sacred and beyond exploitation, don't worry. You still have that Ghostbusters DVD, and maybe the cartoons, breakfast cereal, stickers, bed sheets, tablecloth, telephone, grooming set, juicebox, pencil sharpener, lawsuit-inducing song, and shark repellent to comfort you. I only made one of those up.

The original Ghostbusters was a time and a place in your life. And in mine. It has been canonized, and deservedly so. But how will that thirty-two-year-old moment be "ruined" in 2016?

It won't, unless we allow ourselves to feel threatened by some movie. A movie we can choose to watch, ignore, or judge on its own merit. For me, most likely on Netflix.