THE BLOG
08/27/2014 12:34 pm ET Updated Oct 27, 2014

Moving into a World of Stark Contrasts After the Death of My Husband

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I am trying to sort out my feelings. Trying to find the words. How do I describe or explain what I have been going through? The highs have been amazing. I can be "out there." But the lows mirror the highs with their intensity. I'm moving into a world of stark contrasts.

I traveled to a horsemanship clinic, which involved having my horse trailered by a new friend, as I do not yet (notice the yet) own a truck and trailer. Stayed for five days and four nights. Horsemanship Heaven. I talked about Rob. I talked about widowhood. I did Tai Chi each morning overlooking the mountains where we used to go for a yearly Tai Chi Camp. I cried during my Tai Chi as I felt the energy of the mountains and Robert fill me. And I played with my horse and danced. And found I could be whole. And found I could be shattered.

When I came home I felt like I was walking in a fog. Sleep walking. Everything was distant and muffled. All I really wanted to do was sleep. And cry. It took three full days to come back into myself, as I now realize how far out of myself I was.

I am OK one moment. And then the next I think of something. Something we did together, something Rob loved. Something. Anything. Everything. And dissolve into tears. And the Reality hits. Each time is like the first time. That this is it. That he is never coming back. That I...

That I am on my own. This it might not seem like such a big deal. But cliche'd as it sounds... it was always us against the world. We were supposed to grow old together.

Today has been one of those days that keeps just going on and on and on. I did a lot of different things today. Busy things to try and make the hands of the clock move. Did not work. After being on the computer, sewing, reading the paper, emptying the litter box, napping, going to the barn, making meals, more computer work, I finally went into Rob's room to see if I could go through one box. Well one lead to another and another. Clothes, books and papers. And I found these type written poems by Rob from long ago. And feel joy at his words, and despair at the loss -- both at the same time.

The Impasse

Alone, the two of us.
The moon through the dark trees.
The lake beyond sparkling.
You, all drawn in, waiting.
I unknowing, afraid, yearning.

Alone, the two of us.
My lips brush the hair
On the back of your neck.

All is still

- - - - - - - - - - -

Jamie

She rested her elbow
on my knee, as if
it were the most natural
thing in the world.

It was.

Astonished then,
in the Spring of long ago,
I am astonished still.