09/15/2008 05:12 am ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Olympic Regression

I am 38 years old. This year, I feel like I turned a corner maturity-wise. I take my career seriously. I eat healthier. I haven't lost 3 G's in Vegas.

But last night, I acted 15. I giggled at farts. I drank grown-up drinks. I gawked at high school girls.

I do not take responsibility, though; rather, I blame the scenario.

Time: 11:30 PM. Outside: Lightning flashed for 45 minutes, yet produced no rain. Inside: I downed Manhattans while sitting on a beach chair in a furniture-less apartment and watching women's gymnastics with two other single guys.

My friends, lets call them David and John, make a lot of money. Yet they've resisted buying a couch for their new apartment. They moved in June 1st. (Somehow, John has kept his smart, attractive girlfriend.) For sitting purposes, David and John provide three chairs: two beach, one folding.

The guys invited me over to watch the Olympics. I assumed we'd be drinking beer and watching T.G.H.E. (The Greatest Human Ever) shatter world records. Instead, I was handed my grandfather's go-to drink while watching teenage girls smile and tumble and smile.

A strange night, indeed.

Here are some of the quotes from three infantiles in their 30s:

"You know how I know you're gay? You know the rules to women's gymnastics."

"Dude, Semenova's name is Semen...Ova!"

Following the Chinese coach giving a gymnast a hug after her disappointing routine: "Are we the only ones in the world thinking he just told her, Way to go. Your family just got moved to a work camp.

"I don't like the fact that she (Nastia Liukin) is wearing pink. Why doesn't she have to dress the same as her teammates? She has no patriotism!" "Well, her dad is Russian..."

On the NBC cameraman who stayed waaayyyy too long on a behind shot of Liukin stretching in a split: "Check that guy's computer. He's got 500 gigs of kiddie porn, for sure."

"I feel skeevy watching 16-year old girls like this." "Dude, this is the only time it's okay to watch 16-year old girls like this!

My mom would be so proud.