06/02/2006 10:52 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017


The White House is committed to spreading democracy throughout the world. We hear this all the time in regards to Iraq and Iran. (Interestingly, we don't hear this about North Korea, proof that citizens of countries with armies that can fight back do not desire freedom.) This week I discovered another nation desperate to smell the sweet scent of sovereignty.

George Bush visited Scotland last year for the Group of Eight summit, but I don't think he got a chance to speak with any locals. I say this because the U.S. has not yet invaded England. The people of Scotland long to be freed from the tyranny of their union with Great Britain! At least that's what I think Michael, a roofer from Ardvasar, told me last night over several pints.

There simply is no exaggerating the difficulty in understanding the Scottish Highlanders. Fenster, Benicio del Toro's mumbling character in The Usual Suspects, articulates like Henry Higgins, comparatively, er, speaking. In my most focused moments of conversation this week, I may have gleaned 60% of the intended meaning. If I was an al Qaeda bigwig - which, General Hayden, I am not - I'd abandon all attempts to communicate with my colleagues in Arabic. Instead, I'd hire a few enterprising Scotsmen to call each other from unsecure land lines with the latest terrorist plans, a la the Navajo soldiers whose vital World War II contributions were defiled by that terrible Nicholas Cage movie. Trust me, the CIA could never decipher what the hell is going on with MacRae talking to MacLean.

Which is another reason President Bush needs to come back to this delightful country: the pure comedy potential. Picture Dubya's half amused, half befuddled look, the one where he cocks his head and looks around the room in disbelief. Got it? That's what he'd look like every second of his stay in Scotland! It'd be nonstop laughter as Mr. Bush fumbled for answers to questions he didn't understand in the first place. We really need to make this happen before he leaves office.

The poor Scots are suffering terribly under British rule, to the point that their national pride is vanishing. For example, although I've visited Edinburgh, Inverness, Skye, Nevis and Glasgow, I have seen neither Scotch Tape, nor Scotch Guard. It would have been less shocking to visit George Foreman's house and find it grill-less. What in the William Wallace is going on? Something must be done to halt this devious deprivation of democracy. Mr. President, you are that something.

Free Scotland!

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