07/25/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Heaven Can Wait

For nearly twenty years, I've made my living by interviewing celebrities. I've hoisted a pint of Guinness with Bono, helped a pregnant Madonna out of a chair, and eaten Doritos on a tour bus with Beyonce. But that was a while back. It's time to move on. It's been time for a while.

I began my career in the late 80s at Rolling Stone. A typical week might involve a sit-down with Stevie Nicks, who once told me that her coke-Hoovering days came to an abrupt end after a doctor informed her that there was only a tiny piece of flesh left inside of her nose, and one good snort would rocket it to her brain to finish her off. Or I might chat with Grace Slick, who cheerfully described her abused lungs as "black bags," and, when asked if she had any regrets, immediately answered that she was dismayed that she hadn't "nailed" Jimi Hendrix or Peter O'Toole. Now, even the dimmest starlet from the CW network is media-savvy enough to deliver the blandest, most inoffensive quotes possible.

I knew it was time to hang it up when I realized that virtually every interview I've done in the past few years contained a variation of the most inoffensive quote of all: 'I'm really blessed.'

Now that I've pointed this out, you'll see it everywhere. Giselle Bundchen told Vanity Fair that she feels "really blessed" to have Tom Brady's baby in her life. Lindsay Lohan addressed her supposed bisexuality in Harper's Bazaar by saying, "I appreciate people, and it doesn't matter who they are, and I feel blessed to be able to feel comfortable enough with myself that I can say that." Shia LaBeouf told the Guardian newspaper, "I feel blessed. I'm an actor for hire, man. I couldn't be happier it's worked out this way, because that's a great job." Orlando Bloom informed an Oregon newspaper that he was "blessed" to be a part of Lord of the Rings.

It's actually a pretty canny move. Saying you're 'blessed' is a way to seem humble and grateful for your good fortune -- and also a way to indicate that you're been singled out especially by the Lord.