02/27/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Oscar Night: The Rules

RULE #1:
No gum chewing. And I'm talking to you, Leo DiCaprio. This includes everyone chewing Nicorette. No excuses. I know you're trying to give up smoking. Good for you. But on this one night, the Academy Awards, do us all a favor and head outside the Kodak Theater for a quick drag instead, because this is our night. This is the fans' night. You are our gods and goddesses. I want to look at Brad Pitt movie star not Brad my next-door neighbor.

Bring back Joan Rivers. She asks what everyone wants to know. So what if she insults you? Let your borrowed Bulgari jewels keep you warm. This is the hardest working woman in show biz. (And don't forget the fans in the bleachers. Give them a wave.)

The acceptance speech: Do not bring a ratty piece of paper up to the microphone. You are actors for God's sake. Memorize a 60-second speech. Please do not thank The Man up there. He knows you're grateful. You want to show gratitude? Give 10% of your salary to a charity that does His work here on earth.

If you win, do not hug Steven Spielberg. Kiss your wife or husband or significant other. Kiss the person who ate the franks and beans with you on the way up. This is their statue, too.

Remember you are lucky to be there. People spend their whole lives practicing their Oscar-winning speeches. ("I want to thank the members of the Academy...") Every one of us at home would give our right arms just to have five uninterrupted minutes in the gift tent. Be happy, look happy, have fun, because you are in the house. You are where 30 million people want to be on Oscar night