08/24/2012 12:29 pm ET Updated Oct 24, 2012

21 Reasons to Vote Republican

1. I believe that "freedom of religion" doesn't mean "freedom from religion." I believe the entire country should be yoked to the religious ideologies of politicians.

2. As a woman, I'd like my reproductive system to be at the mercy of the religious right, and those politicians who cater to the religious right for votes.

3. As a mother, I believe that if my teen daughter makes a mistake, like putting out on prom night and using a breakable condom, she should pay for that mistake by carrying the pregnancy to term. You make your bed, you lie in it. And the same goes for if she (or I) gets pregnant as the result of rape. After all, if God or my traumatized body didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't have.

4. I believe that all girls and women should have to abide by my religious beliefs and the religious beliefs promoted by my right-wing leaders.

5. I don't think rich people are rich enough.

6. I don't think corporations get nearly enough tax breaks.

7. I think if we punished poor people more, they'd learn not to be poor. Single mothers, especially.

8. I don't think patriarchy should ever end. After all, God made Adam and Eve, not Eve and Adam.

9. I'm not racist. I just don't think a Black, African, Mestizo, Mulatto, Indonesian, Hawaiian, Muslim, Socialist who probably wasn't even born in this country should be president.

10. I believe that if gays aren't willing to pray it away, they should at least get back into the closet. No one needs to see that. Why should they have the right to shove their perverted beliefs in my face?

11. I don't believe "hate crimes" really exist. Unless they're perpetrated by Muslims. Then they totally exist.

12. I think bullying gets a bad rap. Sometimes kids just need to learn to toughen up. All this coddling is making pansies of our boys and whiners out of our girls.

13. I believe that children are the property of their parents. It shouldn't be the government's place to tell a parent they should be educated themselves if they want to homeschool their children. When it comes to public schools, I'd rather have my children indoctrinated than educated. No sex ed should be taught, unless it's abstinence only. Creation should be in textbooks, not evolution. Also, the teaching of critical thinking skills should be banned, and history should be rewritten in a way that doesn't promote unwarranted sympathy for Blacks, Indians, Asians, women, child laborers, and others whom liberals claim were victimized in the process of making this the Greatest Country on Earth.

14. I still believe Reagan's trickle-down theory will work if we give it more of a chance.

15. I'm not racist. I just think Mexicans, like liberals, are destroying this country.

16. I don't really trust Jews because they're all liberals, especially the ones in Hollywood, but I like to think that with enough support of Israel, they'll all come around.

17. I believe the world needs more people like Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson, Bill O'Reilly, Michele Bachmann, and Todd Akin. I've learned so much from them. I think if more liberals watched Fox News and right-wing radio, they'd learn the real truth.

18. I believe the NRA when it tells me that my right to own a gun is threatened by any sort of legislation banning things like assault rifles, or limiting my ability to buy thousands of rounds of ammo online.

19. Look how well California is doing after 8 years of Republican leadership under Arnold Schwarzenegger. After all, they defeated Prop 8, at least until one of those activist courts ruled it unconstitutional.

20. I want to live in a country where I'm not criticized for my "Don't ReNig in 2012" bumper sticker. Because that's not racist, it's just a funny play on words, ya'll. Everything's so politically correct nowadays. I swear, those people have really lost their sense of humor.

21. There's just something so maverick-y about the expression "Let's Take Our Country Back". It's like the Civil War all over again, except maybe this time my side will win.