THE BLOG
01/27/2016 07:16 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

A Letter From The Dog About The 5 Reasons He Questions Your Sanity

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Dear Human of Mine:

As the dog of the house, I want to take this opportunity to point out the five behaviors of yours that scare me. I hope you take no offense (and please keep the food comin').

You repeatedly ask, "Who's a good boy?" Every day you ask who's a good boy. Many times a day. As you have one man husband, two girl children and one boy dog, it seems to me that I would be the only "good boy" in this family. I sit in front of you and wag my tail every time you look at me and ask this question. Every time. Every day. I would think after all of these months you might learn who the "good boy" was in this family and remember it. Maybe some day. I will continue to remind you with the fruitless tail-wagging but I'm not optimistic. It's not a rhetorical question. I am the good boy. It's me.

Another question you endlessly ask is, "Who wants dinner?" It might be easier to ask who doesn't want dinner as no one would answer and then you'd have your answer. I always want dinner. I want it now. I wanted it five minutes ago. I wanted it five hours ago. And I will want it immediately after I eat it. I always want dinner. So no need to keep asking. Just serve it up whenever you have a spare moment. Like now. How about now? Someday you may remember that it is always me who wants dinner. But I guess I'll have to wait until it occurs to you that some good boy in this house might like dinner any old time and thank you for asking who that might be. It is me. Me. Me.

Similarly, your inability to remember the answer to your daily question about who is the cutest dog ever gives me cause for concern. Although I have apparently been deemed the cutest dog ever by you on most days, I really don't need to be a superlative. I'm into the food more than the compliments. Just keep the food comin' my way and I'll be happy to be the runner-up.

This next one really makes me laugh! "Who is always on the wrong side of the door?" Like you really don't know that after I go outside I will eventually want to come back inside? You should really try to focus a bit more. I go out. I come in. Especially when it may be time for dinner. Remember who wants dinner? The good boy. Me. That's who.

"Who loves you?" That question you often ask usually precedes a handout of something yummy so I don't mind hearing that question at all. Ever. And I could answer that question in a heartbeat if I could speak the King's English but I know you love me because I am the good boy, the cutest dog ever, who happens to find himself on the wrong side of the door on a regular basis. That's right. Me. The one who wants dinner! Is it dinnertime?

photo credit: Kito via photopin (license)

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