05/01/2015 03:30 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My Secret Addiction


My mother's calling. Now? Nooooooo. I can't possibly answer the phone because the hamster is eating a slice of cucumber from left to right like he's eating an ear of corn and his little claws and little arms are holding the cucumber up like a book. OMG, this is so sweet! I'll just have to talk to you later, Mom. Sorry.

A text from my best friend? I can't possibly respond now because the baby monkey is trying to get the cat to play with him and the cat is ignoring the little monkey's hijinks despite having his ears batted about by the cutest little monkey hands. The cat may just lose it any second now. I'll text you back in a minute.

The dog needs to come inside? Fido will just have to wait because the litter of black and yellow lab puppies are all vying for a spot on that circular feeding bowl and they are rotating clockwise as they eat and oh my god, the littlest one is getting squeezed out and he needs the food the most. Damn! I need to see if he ever gets back to the food. Harumph. Who's barking? Oh yeah. My dog.

Jumping out of the second story window into a 9 foot high pile of snow? At least you wore a bra and panties, honey! Try that totally naked and I'll have even more respect for you. Really. But loved your scream when the snow covered you.

Why does the pot of pasta have to boil all over the stove just as the horse is about to get revenge on the mean man who slapped his butt in anger? Oh, no, no, no. I need to see that evil person get his just rewards. Let the damn pasta water overflow all over the stove because that man has it coming and I'm going to see it.

The doorbell? In the middle of the video of the baby trying to get a piece of cereal into his hand and then into his mouth and he keeps missing but he is dogged and he keeps trying? If I were filming that I would have to stop filming at that point and put the piece of food into his little mouth because he is so sweet and so determined and I am sure he will go far in life because of his determination. The doorbell. Again? I'm a busy woman. Go away.

I will ignore the alarm that is ringing as the black bird brings shiny object after shiny object to a woman who feeds him on a balcony in Spain. I am going to check that alarm as soon as I finish watching the video of the cat who returns home every night with ladies underwear and bikinis stolen from neighbors in California.

I will stop now because the smoke is stinging my eyes. But I'll resume as soon as the fire department is out of here . . .

photo credit: IMG_5901 via photopin (license)